I Don’t Care who you Banged unless you’re Cash Warren

At this point in my life most of my friends are 25-35, my own age being in the middle. If you’re still a virgin by now and not a Steve Carrell character, it’s probably not going to happen. This is not an issue for most people I know. And boy do I know. Many tell me every dripping detail of each sexual encounter they have. I guess I should clarify:Most of my male friends tell me about every one. Let me clarify again: Most of my single male friends tell me about every one if it’s with someone who is socially valuable (ie:attractive).

My close friends could tell me that they had sex with a girl scout who sold them cookies and I wouldn’t blink. You guys are cool. It’s these extraneous people I’m talking about; people who have last names I can’t even pronounce correctly. And they’re telling me about the Swedish model that they got head from in South Beach last weekend in the men’s room of Borders. Did they mention they met on Myspace? There are a few reasons that this has become a pet peeve of mine.

Firstly there’s no way to verify the truth of anything you say. Who knows, you could be completely full of shit. In fact, I’m fairly confident that the over/under for bullshit sex stories I’ve heard is somewhere around 40%.

Second is the fact that sex and beauty are such personal, subjective qualities that your glowing appraisal of the events that transpired may be completely different than mine. It’s not like you’re describing a restaurant with really good cheesecake and I can just go there next week and order a piece to compare my dining experience with yours. Not only will I not sleep with the person in question (probably because I know they slept with you) I will probably never even meet her.

As a corollary to this reason; just because someone is dressed in a pilot’s uniform with a plastic, winged nametag doesn’t mean they know how to fly a jet. When you point out the young coed you somehow convinced to sleep with you last Friday, mere visual inspection gives me little insight as to her sexual abilities. Some of the most attractive women I was lucky enough to sleep with in my college days can’t hold a candle to the women I met as I approached 30 y/o. In other words I can see the cheesecake, but I have no clue if it’s really good or if it just looks good.

Another reason I react to this behavior with a punch to the groin is that most of the stories just aren’t interesting. Don’t get me wrong, if you bag Jessica Alba, pull off something like in Cruel Intentions or sleep with a close relative of one of my friends: I want every detail. I’d even send $3 in check or money order to Burbank, CA for a complete transcript of that shit. But most of what I hear is boring, uninspired and generally uncreative sex with partners who share personality traits that’s I’d use the same 3 adjectives to describe.

In closing, bragging to me about the multitude of “hot chicks” you’ve fucked will not make me think you’re cool. I’ll certainly never introduce you to any of my close female friends who you might dick over one day. If anything it makes you look like an amateur and a tool. A quote attributed to Joe Paterno as he addressed an inexperienced team before the championship game was, “Act like you’ve been there before”. Listen to Joe Pa, he’s been around the block a few times.