Conversation with a 12y/o Me Plus Some Hot Chicks

The following is a conversation w/ my 12 year-old self from the year 1990. In the end our talks centered mostly on my TV-addicted salad days (more like Chips A’Hoy, Fruit Funs and Dr. Pepper days) and how they made me the man that I am today.

Me:Here I am w/ my 12 year-old counterpart, also Rupert Roo, straight from 1990.

12y/o Roo:Holy crap! You’re me from the future?

Me:Yup.

12y/o Roo:How come my voice is still so high?

Me:It is not!

12y/o Roo:See, it just got high again, right there!

Me:Moving on… I wanted to give you, the 12 year-old version of me, the chance to ask anything about the future. We can talk about business, politics, the global sta-

12y/o Roo:What year do the Cubs start their dynasty of winning 5 World Series in a row?

Me:Actually that doesn’t happen. It’s been over 100 yrs now and they still haven’t won a single championship. They almost made it in 2003 but Florida beat them.

12y/o Roo:Weak, man.. Bogus… Florida…Florida???

Me:Anything else you want to know about the future?

12y/o Roo:What kind of flying car do I drive?

Me:Uhh none. You take the subway, and no, the subway doesn’t have flying cars, either.

12y/o Roo:This sucks! Is there anything cool about the future at all?

Me:Well this might cheer you up. A lot of the cute child stars that you watch on TV now grow up to be super hot.

12y/o Roo:Really, like who?

Me:Let’s take a look, 12 year-old Rupert! And keep your hands where I can see them. Remember, I know what you do w/ those Sunday JC Penney ads when no one else is around.

1.Ashley Banks
Me:Pass the malaria meds, cuz I gots me some Jungle Fever!

12y/o Roo:What does that mean?

Me:Spike Lee will explain it in a yr or two.

2.Lacey Chabret from Party of Five
12 y/o Roo:I always thought that Jennifer Love Hewitt would grow up to be the hot one.

Me:No, she makes two Garfield movies and a TV show about whispering shit to ghosts.

12 y/o Roo:Why are ghosts whispering shit to the chick from Party of Five?

Me:I don’t know. In the future whispering is also the preferred mode of communication b/w most dogs and Mexicans.

12 y/o Roo:Weird.

3.Punky Brewster
12y/o Roo:Why does her face look all funny?

Me:She’s had a lot of work done.

12y/o Roo:That’s why I don’t want to work hard when I grow up.

4.Nicole Eggert from Charles in Charge

12y/o Roo:
I figured she would grow up to be hot. I'm 12 and as I look at her I think, “Boy, she’s gonna be hot some day”.

Me:I feel the same way about Hermione Granger right now.

12 y/o Roo:You are a sick, sick man.

Me:I know.

5.Topanga
12y/o Roo:Why are her lips all puffy?

Me:It’s an allergic reaction.

12 y/o Roo:To what, seafood?

Me:No, to type A Botulinum toxin.

6.Stephanie Tanner
Me:How do you like those Olsen twins?

12 y/o Roo:How rude!

7.Fergie from Kids Incorporated
12 y/o Roo:I thought she would end up in movies.

Me:No. No drama. No, no, no, no drama, drama.

8.Alyssa Milano
12 y/o Roo:I would murder my own mother for one night with her.

Me:And you do in an odd deal w/ a Paraguayan pimp in the August of ‘99.

12 y/o Roo:What?!?

Me:Nothing...

9.Anyone on the “New Mickey Mouse Club”
Me:Britney, Christina and the chick from Felicity all started out there.

12 y/o me:Yeah, too bad they had to work with fags like Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling. Who’d ever want to be with those queermos?

Me:Yeah.. uhm.. your homophobic slurs aren’t nearly as appreciated in 2008 as in 1990.

12 y/o Roo:Ok, gayrod.

10.Winnie Cooper

12y/o Roo:I always wanted a girl like Winnie Cooper in my life as I grew up.

Me:Yeah, but you looked a lot more like Paul Pfeiffer than Kevin Arnold, so you didn’t.

12y/o Roo:Fuck off!

Me:You just told yourself to fuck off, retard.

12 y/o Roo:Whatever happened to Kimberly Drummond? She was pretty hot.

Me:She uhh… she has her own variety shown on cable.

12 y/o Roo:And I can’t wait to hear the new music that Michael Jackson makes! I even have a poster of Michael on my wall that says, “BEAT IT!” in big letters.

Me:Oohhh yeah, I forgot that poster. You’re gonna want to take that one down.

12 y/o Roo:What? Oh I get it, you can’t tell me. It’s a space-time continuum kinda thing, huh?

Me:And stop talking like that, it’ll only delay what becomes a painfully prolonged virginity.

12 y/o Roo:Ok. I guess I’ll just have to wait for 2008 when I am CEO of Rupert-Tech industries, have 12 dogs plus my own monkey and live in a super mansion, right? That is what happens, isn’t it?