Home Schooling my Niece

Teddy, the 13 year-old son of my neighbor, is the only kid who calls me “Dr. Roo”. I saw him getting the mail in a wizard’s outfit ala Mickey Mouse from Fantasia.

“What’s up, Ted?” I inquired.

“I’m not Ted! I'm arc-knight Sindelore w/ a class 5 wizard’s mage” Then he made a “wooshing” sound effect and ran into his home. He was wearing a cape. Is Teddy a nerd? Is he retarded? Perhaps developmentally delayed? No. Teddy is

Home Schooled!

My sister plans the same for my niece. This is me venting. Both of my sisters and I went to the same schools and we each have college degrees. There are classes in AP Muppets (or anything), a weight room nicer than my gym and a cafeteria w/ these chocolate chip cookies that rule. Plus there are tons of attractive, intelligent people there.

And they will want nothing to do w/ my niece once my sister is done “educating” her. I loved public school. That’s not to say I had it easy. I was a huge dork who received bimonthly ass kickings and no girl from my own school would touch me. I had plenty of friends who shared a similar fate. But we all turned out fine.

By the end of high school, no one was picking on me and I could almost talk normally w/ women my own age. When college ended, the opposite sex was no longer too intimidating. After grad school it all seemed like a big joke (my stupid insecurities and inconsequential, yet incessant worries).

I might’ve gotten a higher SAT score had I been home schooled, but I learned so much about life and myself by interacting w/ others. My sis fails to recognize this fact. Sure, I failed many times and faced rejection on a routine level… but that’s life, dude.

Which brings me to my point: Home schooling your child is like teaching your kid about sex by fucking them yourself in the basement. Little Melissa would certainly give better head if taught from her Mom and Dad to retract her teeth and cup the balls delicately. You could even teach her that “stroke and suck at the same time” technique you discovered at Jewish sleepover camp. Her reverse cowgirl would be unbeatable! She would be the most advanced little fucker in her age group.

Despite these pertinent skills Melissa would also be totally messed up. B/c in the end,kids need to learn some things on their own and you just have to trust them and the system that everything will work out. You can’t protect them forever and you can’t teach them everything yourself. If you truly believe that you can, you’re really just fucking them (basement optional).

New Game Show

For the longest time celebrities have participated on game shows. There’s a great Youtube clip of Salvador Dali on the 1950’s What's My Line? and I remember seeing anyone from Paul Lynde to Tony Danza on Password and $64,000 Pyramid. Game shows are still a big deal, just ask Drew Carrey.

Personally I think a lot of the new ones suck. And the participants must be drunk, high or profoundly retarded to act like such utter assholes over a stupid dining set or Jetski. Deal or No Deal involves about as much skill as Russian Roulette; which would probably be a much more entertaining concept, especially given these dipshit contestants (Think Carrot-Top meets Dane Cook, but MORE annoying). Note:I paused here for 30mins, transfixed w/ the fantasy of watching a Carrot-Top/Dane Cook amalgam taking a bullet a la The Deer Hunter.

Anyway, my idea for a new game show is simple:Celebrity Drinking Games! Every show would be prefaced w/ Gary Coleman chugging a bottle of Southern Comfort, telling everyone to “drink responsibly, Mr. D” and Danny Bonaduce crushing a beer can against his forehead.

There are so many possibilities! Games of skill like beer pong, caps and flip cup! Card games like Circle of Death, Asshole and Screw the Dealer! NTM sweeps week specials like Century club. I figure that if Howie Mandel can have a whole show full of drunken retards, then so can I.

Imagine a weekend of special “rehab guests”:
Matthew Perry and John Daley against Bobby Brown and Robert Downey Jr in a grueling game of quarters? I call Iron Man! I’m telling you, this would be much more interesting to watch than seeing Doogie Howser play the fat, black dude from Transformers in Texas Hold ‘Em. I actually like watching poker on TV. But to watch some washed-up celebutards get drunk and throw down would really be Must-See-TV.

Additionally this would end years of speculation over who can drink the most. Some people say Lohan, Tom Sizemore or Andy Dick. My guess would have to be Gary Busse. He’s the perfect poster boy for that part of
the Venn diagram including the intersection of “drunk” and “retarded”.

For the Californians Who Voted for Prop 8

I bet you feel like a bunch of schmucks now, huh? In just the past 50 yrs California has been called a lot of things. Some called you hippies or flower children. Brian Wilson wished that every girl could be just like you. Not all the names were playfully kind. Others referred to you as beach bums or weirdos. Of course most Californians, and those in Berkeley, LA or SF especially, thought that they were “progressive”.

And while I don’t necessarily agree that being “progressive” is always the best option (many still believe that ideas like socialism are progressive, despite it universally failing on a national scale), I respect that Californians do things their own way. It’s been cool to see Cali set trends that the rest of the country, including NY, emulate months down the line. No one pays much attention to Arkansas or Mississippi unless there’s a photogenic, white woman missing, some dumbass kid who falls down a well or a college bowl game. Expectations are higher for CA, and you guys really let me down on this one.

I’m not even going to formulate an argument on why gay marriage should be allowed b/w 2 consenting adults. The fact that I would need to construct such a statement is insulting itself. What I don’t get is why it bothers people what others do behind closed doors. There are some personal exceptions that I tend to add to this list and they include: Children, animals and retards. If you belong to one of these groups, you probably need some higher authority to look out for your subpar ass.. Even Forrest Gump had his momma. Otherwise, all bets are off.

You want to be the Felching King of Chicago… at your service, my Lord. Plan on sharing a cold lunch w/ your lover? Bon appetit! Let’s not discuss my med school pal Dr. Sanchez, first name:Dirty. While none of these activities are up my alley (my personal fetish was always having sex w/ really attractive women, but that’s just me) I don’t care if you do any of it in your own home, apt or Grandma’s dining room.

For some odd reason, activities much tamer than these seem to really freak out most Californians. And that’s too bad for them. At least now they won’t have to worry about anyone calling them elitists anymore, because “bigoted cowards” is so much more accurate. “Hippie” doesn’t sound so bad about now, does it?