My Online Dating Experiment

The following describes a real online dating experiment performed by me in 2003. I was a broke ass med student and would prowl the Chicago bar scene. Occasionally I approached a young woman, offered to buy her a drink and try to connect with her. I’d keep the talk about me to a minimum and listened. It takes a lot of patience to listen to someone talk about their fascinating career as a desk clerk at The W Hotel. Eventually you learn the right sequence of questions to ask and emotions to fake to convince people that you're an interesting and caring individual.

Me:Wow, you’re a cosmologist?! That is really cool.

Woman:Yeah, I like it.

Me:So you study the origins of the universe and how it relates to mankind’s struggle to find meaning? That is impressive.

Woman:Not really.

Me:It’s a field of philosophy and physics, right? Like Stephen Hawking?

Woman:No. I said that I’m a COSMETOLOGIST. I work the Makeup counter in Nordstroms. Does that Hawkins guy play for the Cubs?

That really happened to me. A coworker showed me “J-Date” which is like eHarmony or Match.com but only for Jews. I had never seen an online dating site before and was instantly intrigued. But I wasn’t enthralled w/ the prospect of finding the perfect Jew for me online, the whole culture of online dating was surreal.

Since J-Date was a pay site, I joined a yahoo.com analogue, b/c apparently I was such a cheap Jew that I couldn’t afford their Hebrew dating service. The null hypothesis for this project was: Money is more impt for a single woman than good looks.

"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger. But she ain't messin' wit no broke Niggaz." -Kanye West

I made one profile of a good looking guy named Troy. He was well-educated and volunteered at a local homeless shelter. He was eloquent and put-together. Troy was looking for true love to start a lasting relationship and one day have a family. He was employed as a social worker for troubled kids and I listed his salary as <$30k.

The other profile was for this ugly bastard who I called Adolf. He was a misogynist w/ no education and halitosis. He inherited millions from his family and was searching for the perfect woman to cook for him and help care for his bed sores and fungal infections that live in between his fat rolls. He was unemployed but worth millions.

Wk after wk I would get emails at both of these accounts from women wanting to meet Troy or Adolf. I realize it’s inherently incorrect to lump all women in one group and draw conclusions based on the results. That’s what I’m going to do anyway.

It seems like women favored good looks over money. I’d caution that if you’re basing major dating decisions on either of these factors, you will probably end up unhappy. Every wk you hear about some new celebrity jerkoff who’s in jail, rehab or dead. And a lot of these celebutards are both attractive AND rich. And they’re still fucked up!

It’s challenging but you have to find out what turns you on and then seek out people who meet that criteria. There’s no other good reason to be w/ someone unless you need a green card. Don’t do it out of loneliness, parental expectations or money. Don’t do it b/c “kids are so cute”, “everyone else my age is married” or b/c you’ve always wanted a wedding. And don’t do it thinking that it will make you happy, b/c if you’re not already happy this isn’t going to work.

Do it b/c the guy makes you feel like the most impt person in the world. Do it b/c you feel like the best version of yourself with him. Do it b/c you’re intoxicatingly, sickeningly crazy about this guy. And if he doesn’t do each of those things every day, fuck him. Or better yet, don’t.

Soulmates is a Stupid Idea

The concept that there is one person through all of time and geography that is “perfect” for you is incredibly implausible. No one knows the exact number of humans who have lived and died since the species became legit some 50k yrs ago. There are only educated guesses. Experts postulate anywhere from 13 to 50 billion. So lets low ball it and go with the 13 bill.

Your odds of winning the IL lotto are like 1 in 14 million. Roughly half of the humans are the opposite sex, so this discussion will not include bisexuals (sorry) and go with the low figure of 6.5billion potential mates. Mathematically you are 215 times more likely to win the lotto than to find your mate within this pool of individuals. The odds are more likely that the Cubs will win the next 4 World Series assuming 1:100 risk at preseason. You wanna bet me with those numbers, I promise to keep the juice low?!

"To be stupid and selfish and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."

-Gustave Flaubert

Most likely there is someone alive somewhere who is a better match for you than the person that you are with. A better listener, a better lover and a better friend. I’m not saying that you aren’t genuinely happy and that you shouldn’t be with your wife or husband. As much as you “can just tell” that you’re with your soul mate.. you are not. I know you can feel it, whatever ‘it” is, although I’m betting that “it” is a manifestation of your personal insecurities, wishful thinking and psychological barf bags filled with intimate and serious puke. Just don’t throw around that word, “soulmate”, as if it has any credence or power outside of chick flicks, Valentine’s Day or Disney. There’s probably someone living in China or India right now who loves you very much who you'll never, ever meet.