Hey, Sweet Tits!

It’s always bothered me that a greeting like this can’t be taken seriously. I guarantee than anyone saying that you have “sweet tits” or a “tight ass” is more sincere that your friend who reassures your status as “skinny” or your hair looks “great”. No, dude. You’re 20lb overweight and your haircut is outdated by at least 5 yrs. It’s not the skirt that makes you look fat; it’s the cellulitic thigh dimples and huge ass that does the trick.

But that guy who whistles rudely and swears he’d “hit that” is totally telling the truth. The issue is larger than personal honesty. It’s about sexual clarity and personal relationships. Here is a good guideline for women to follow.

When a man wants to have coffee, he wants
“to plow you”

If he’d like to catch a movie he really means
“I want to rail you"

If he wants to “Talk”, he'd prefer
“Bending you over a chair and fucking the life out of you until you need IV fluids to counter the dehydration.”

Some say that it’s objectifying women to refer to them in these terms. If someone called me “sizzle dick”, “thunder ass” or “Alan Alda” I'd take it as a compliment. Most women don’t get that b/c guys have been trying to bang them (and hence engage in this behavior) since they were about 12y/o.

No one opens doors, buys dinner for or drives us

home. We get that. Hardly any men, other than the extremely rich, will ever appreciate the superb ass kissing that beautiful women receive on a daily basis. Men who are deluded enough to think they have a chance w/ you will do that, but only if they think they have a shot at doing you. Which leaves me at an impasse b/c I’m not rich but I would really like to tell you about your fresh ass and delectable rack. Does that come off as sexist?

Best Smells in the World

To quote Dr. Rachel Herz, faculty at Brown: "The olfactory nerve synapses almost directly into the amygdala, in the limbic system, which is associated w/ memory and emotion”. Basically humans recall smells much better than sounds or images. Once I was in an elevator and someone walked in wearing the same perfume as my 1st legit girlfriend from high school. I instantly got a boner when memories of losing my virginity in her parent’s basement slammed into my brain like a bullet train. Then I realized it was a gray haired, 55y/o lady and used my backpack to cover my bulge.

On that theme, I thought I’d neglect the stream of negativity that runs in my brain like a plummeting stock ticker and describe some of my favorite smells. I bet you can’t read this list w/o smiling!

11. Popcorn at the movie theater
I know that they piss and do all kinds of Tyler Durden-esque stuff to theater popcorn. You can’t say it doesn’t at least smell good, though.

10. Orgasms
Yes, they have a smell. At least they do if I’m involved. And no, this has nothing to do with anal.

9.New-baby scent
Not to be outdone by new-car and new-puppy smell, new-baby is the best!

8.That one shop at the mall that only sells coffee
I’m not even a coffee drinker (unless it also contains Bailey’s or rum) but that store smelled awesome.

7.Cinnabon
Holy shit is this stuff good! I don’t want to hear about the calories, I’d just like the people at Yankee Candle to make one that smells like a Cinnabon. I’d buy one for each of my fat friends.

6.A stack of $100 bills resting on the phat ass of a Colombian Hooker
If you’ve never been there, you wouldn’t understand.

5.BBQing anything
Nothing like the odor of grilled cow flesh. If you put it that way it doesn’t sound so appealing. But trust me, this is the shit.

4. Chocolate-chip cookies baking in the oven
No Oedipus complex here w/ my Mom making me cookies in a garter belt, but there’s something so sexy and beautiful about the aroma of chocolate. Scientists claim a link b/w dopamine release and the consumption of chocolate. Please refer to #10 above. My dick does the same thing, ladies.

3.Newly cut grass
Reminds me of running through suburban Chicago as a kid. But I also remember that my asshole parents got divorced when I was 9 and had to cut 2 lawns sans pay because the $10 each wk surely would’ve sent the family to the poorhouse.

2. Rain
I don’t know if it’s ozone as a consequence of molecular ionization or the water acting as a filter to blunt the effects of pollutants… but it smells awesome after it rains. If I had 3 wishes from a Genie, one of them would be that all my farts smell like a good rain. Next I would drink a lot of milk.

1.My sweaty nutsack

Love those humid, Chicago summers! Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. And I recommend that you do.

Just to complete the circuit:

Divergent Theories on Beautiful Women being Attracted to Dickheads

I don’t think that nice guys finish last. And I don’t subscribe to a Revenge of the Nerds-type mentality. Through high school and adulthood I've noticed many attractive women w/ guys who were, by most approximations, complete Dickheads. Here's my best compilation of ideas that may clarify this observation.

1.This Dickhead is beautiful.
If I’m going to be superficial enough to judge a woman on her looks, I certainly can’t blame her for wanting to date a good-looking guy.

2.This Dickhead is rich.
There’s no denying that rich, old, grey-pube surrounded, wrinkled cock gets substantially more play than well-trimmed, brown pubed, poor cock. History is rife w/ examples of geriatric blue veins getting play. Dems da rules.

3.This Dickhead is rich and beautiful.
Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell and most recently Chris Brown have proven to possess both of these qualities, and a few others that I won’t list here, b/c I’m such a nice, poor ugly guy.

4.This Dickhead actually has a massive dick head.
I don’t believe that bigger is necessarily better, but unless you’re sporting Coke-Can thickness it can’t hurt too much to be well endowed, right? Seeing as I'm neither wealthy nor handsome, I feel that I make up substantial ground in this category. Boo-yah!

5.This Dickhead is a genuinely interesting and substantive individual.
This theory contains 2 premises that hold it in suspicion from the start:
1.I have incorrectly judged this Dickhead as being a shallow and stupid asshole.
2.This Dickhead is in fact an intelligent and kind person.
Just for starters, the adjectives “intelligent” and “kind” only belong to like, 4% of the human populace. So I’m way ahead on statistics just there. Next involves the other hypothesis; that this man will likely need to possess preternatural physical attractiveness or wealth… the portion of the population quickly shrinks to unreasonable proportions.

6.This woman does not realize that her “boyfriend” is, in fact, a gigantic Dickhead.
I’ve seen this scenario in action many times and there's no doubt why it's duplicated in film so often (Craig Kilborn in Old School, Anthony Michael Hall in Edward Scissorhands or half the episodes of Sex in the City). Any combination of the above listed traits makes it easy to hide the Dickheadishness of most men.

7.Being Dickhead Supreme is attractive to women.

I don't think that this is true. It's ok to be dangerous or off-kilter w/ mainstream, but if you've gone full blown Dickhead, there's no chance that you should ever be full blown at all. Of course, history proves me wrong on this conclusion time after time.

I could list more, but I defer. If you’re a hot chick and you’re reading this right now, you’re probably thinking, “Oh no, this doesn’t apply to me!” FUCK YOU! You‘re probably married to or are dating a loser, fat pig former HS athlete who repairs refrigerators and has never picked up a periodical w/o the name “Sports” or “ESPN” in the title, let alone realize that the word ‘periodical’ has nothing to do w/ menstruation. “But he’s funny!” No, he’s not funny! Not beyond your sadly-personalized inside jokes and his cute, self-depreciating shtick.

The best, and most generic advice I can give to anyone is to NOT base your attraction to someone on any of these criteria. I know it’s difficult and I’ve been faced w/ the same challenge. At the end of the day, I want to bang the chick on the cover of Maxim, too. But this is all a fabrication. It’s a lie based on a social construct that has me suckered just as much as the next sap. I watch NBC and listen to Kanye. I can’t help it. I want the chick w/ the 36DDs and small waist who is funnier than Tina Fey. But it’s all a joke. It’s all manufactured. And it’s all a lie.

And as soon as you realize this lie, you might actually have a shot at one of these “hot chicks”. But at the same moment you come to this epiphany; you would never want to, anyway.

The “No Shit, Sherlock” Award for 2009

This prestigious award deservingly goes to the group of scientists who determined that, "Seeing crash reports can worsen flying phobia". Essentially: People who watch footage of planes crashing may exacerbate a preexisting irrational fear of flying. No shit, Sherlock!

I wonder if people with shark phobias were a little freaked out after first seeing Jaws? Or maybe take a friend w/ a fear of snakes to see Snakes on a Plane in an attempt to try and combine as many phobias as possible into one film. The article asserts that the actual odds of dying in a plane crash are one in 70 million. But that’s why the term “phobia” exists in the first place. By definition, a phobia is: a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it. Even though the odds of dying in an airliner are infinitesimal, the graphic images invoke powerful emotions in spectators.

I won’t extrapolate further, but clearly this year’s “No shit, Sherlock” award is well-merited. On a completely unrelated topic, here are a few more real life scenarios that I’ve recently encountered wherein I wanted to say something rude/crass but suppressed this overwhelming urge and instead will post the details here as a means of catharsis.

“What do you want on your foot-long?” Subway employee to me.

Another awesome interview (this time w/ one of the heads of medicine at Northwestern Memorial as he offers me a 2nd drink)
“Another teabag, Rupert?”

“Not to be taken orally? So I shouldn’t put these in my mouth?” Elderly woman at Walgreens pharmacy counter.

“My name is Bijal, but you can call me ‘BJ’.” One of my med school friends. Yes, her name is "Bijal" and some people do call her "BJ". I still can't do that w/ a straight face. I have the same reaction when I watch NFL on TV and see the Back Judge,or BJ, take the field.

“I love dark meat.” My brother-in-law on Thanksgiving.

Jessica Simpson is a Hungry, Fat Pig

Note:The following is an interview w/ that sweltering hog Jessica Simpson.

Me:Ms. Simpson, good to meet you. I’m glad you could find time b/w feedings to sit down and talk w/ me. And speaking of sitting down…Don’t worry about that chair; it’s titanium reinforced.

JS:Thank goodness! I was afraid that my massive, bloated 120lb frame would crush it.

Me:You know why you’re here. The media has published a series of new photos that show how you’ve transformed into a fetid, bovine slob.

JS:It is so embarrassing! I usually maintain a 1200cal/day diet, but recently pushed it up to 1800.

Me:How will this affect your film career?

JS:I’m not marketable as the beautiful, brainless object of men’s masturbatory fantasies. No longer can a guy use me as a mental image to get them to climax while they fuck their unattractive wife.

Me:But it has opened up some new doors, right?

JS:Exactly; there’s a spot for me in the upcoming Norbit sequel. And in a Dukes of Hazzard follow-up I will not be playing Daisy Duke, but rather Boss Hogg.

Me:You have many defenders saying that the new pics are the consequence of a bad outfit, crappy lighting and low angle shots….

JS:Wishful thinking. My BMI has ballooned from 16 up to 21. Sniffs I’m now a size 4. It’s.. starts to cry It’s really very sad!

Me:passing her some Kleenex It’s ok.. Would you like a Hostess cupcake or Krispie Kreme to ease the pain of your morbid obesity?

JS:No thanks, I’ve recently started cutting myself to fulfill that role.

Me:That sounds healthy. I know this must be difficult for you. When did you first notice this immense weight gain?

JS:I’m a 28y/o healthy woman and one day I just start bleeding from my vagina! Turns out that this happens to many obese women and is called “a period”. I was so upset.

Me:That must’ve been scary and disgusting.

JS:Like finding a hair in the 4oz Dannon Light yogurt cup I binge on for dinner.

Me:In closing; What’s next for Jessica Simpson?

JS:I pledge to my critics that I will get back to my pre-fatass form. I will return to a double digit weight.

Me:And by ‘critics’ you must mean overly judgmental assholes that prefer woman who have the body of a 13y/o boy.

******************************************************************************

Jessica Simpson is not fat. I can’t be any clearer. It’s true that her contemporaries range from severely underweight to Auschwitz thin. But using that distorted scale to judge her is a dick move.

What's more- I am revolted by Simpson and find her to be the talentless antithesis of intelligence. But I defend her on this one. There’s something to be said about staying fit and not turning into the amorphous blob shape that now defines the American physique. I contend that those super skinny people are just as gross as the mega-obese. Proof: no one in the history of mankind has ever jerked off to Karen Carpenter.

On the topic of jerking off, my patience is running thin w/ these anorexic actresses. I love ribs w/ BBQ sauce and slaw, but seeing you when you wear a bikini is quite the boner shrinker. And given what I have to work with, shrinkage is one thing I cannot afford.

The Medical Miracle of the Suleman Octuplets

It seems that a medical miracle happened in California: A woman gave birth to 8 kids via IVF! If you really think this is a medical miracle, I’d like you to consider the Plastic Surgery Queen known as “Cat Lady” as a medical miracle. Her doctors should be proud. By ‘proud’, I mean ‘kicked in the nutsack by David Beckham’.





Bend it!





Background:Nadya Suleman is a 33y/o single mom who already has 6 kids (the youngest are 2y/o twins). One child is “special needs”, although I doubt that Harvard professors will think it’s too special when they see this poor kid’s college admission essay is written in Crayola. Nadya lives w/ her parents and has been unemployed since 2001. She’s been receiving disability checks owing to a back injury since then. An LA Times article revealed that Suleman was diagnosed w/ major depression w/ suicidal ideations.
I'd love to know what was going on in the minds of her doctors:

Ok… my patient is a clinically depressed, single, disabled and unemployed woman with 6 kids under age 8… Sounds like the BEST FUCKING CANDIDATE EVER for in-vitro fertilization!!! But wait, let’s not stop there. Let’s give her EIGHT MORE kids!! Call the Nobel committee!

Funny- the govt finds her physically/mentally unfit to work, and even PAYS HER NOT TO WORK, but she’s fit to be a mother to 14 kids. Still the science behind this feat is amazing. I am impressed her doctors were so successful. But is this really a success?

Does anyone think that these kids are going to have a normal, healthy upbringing? I can tell you that they were born 9 wks premature and weighed 1-3 lb. each. Two of the babies were intubated and put on ventilators. None of this sounds healthy or normal to me so far!

“Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.” -Dr. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park

Suleman is scheduled to appear on many media outlets. Surely Oprah is on that list. She’s asked for the figure of $2million for interviews and commercial sponsors to help raise her family. But this is no family, it’s a litter. Except dogs sleep 16hrs a day, drink out of the toilet and die at age 12. Kids are a little bit more work.

This didn’t happen on 34th street. And it didn’t happen in a NY ice rink during the 1980 Winter Olympics. This is no miracle. If Nadya Suleman truly wanted to care for these kids, provide for them and give each one the love and attention they deserve, she never would’ve done any of this in the first place.

Does Your iPhone do this?

My new job is buying me a freaking cell phone and footing the monthly bill! I researched mainly Blackberry and iPhone. I found a few webpages that made the same comparison. Basically:If you’re texting a ton and using your cell for business- pick a Blackberry. If you like watching monkeys smell their finger on Youtube, checking traffic flow via GPS or downloading a Jedi lightsaber app- pick an iPhone.

So iPhone it is! Not much of a contest, really. But neither one has a feature that I would love to have in a cell. It’s a little thing I call the “Fuck you, Jobu” option. If you’ve never seen the 1989 film Major League, there’s a great scene where the foreign-born Pedro Cerrano character cannot hit a curveball and says defiantly to his God (Jobu): “If you do not help me now, I say fuck you Jobu!” (pronounced Joe-boo).

Yes, fuck you Jobu indeed… Using this plan, you could block any calls that you wanted and even have a wildcard feature so you could block out entire area codes. I realize that many will argue that w/ Caller ID it doesn’t really matter. But as Bill Clinton said in 1996:”Nothing matters more.” Only he was talking to Monica Lewinsky about ball sucking.

Not only would your phone automatically block any predefined numbers, the dick calling you would get a message in the same voice as Pedro Cerrano: “I say fuck you, Jobu!” and then hang up on them. Bottom line:any chode who you had anticipated to call you would instead be redirected to a message telling them to screw an imagined deity. Despite my love for Russian games of skill, I would trade in Tetris for Jobu any day of the wk.

It'd also be cool if any emails written on my iPhone would say, "This was sent from my cold, clammy balls" instead of the classic "This was sent from my iPhone". I guess I could always manually write in that part about my balls.

Edit:This was written by my cold, clammy balls.

Empathy, Gmail and my Small Penis

I get a lot of spam in my gmail account. Google automatically detects this bs and puts it into a pre-labeled “Spam” folder. I checked this folder today and was shocked.

“See the 8th Wonder of the World…In Your Pants!”

And then an ad for penis enlargement pills. This ad itself didn’t offend me, but the fact that I'd received the same “8th Wonder” message like 200 times was disturbing. This was not an isolated event:

“Does your Wife use a Vibrator before bed each night because of YOUR SMALL PENIS?”
Please visualize that the last 3 words are in large, blinking red font. Initially I was pissed b/c I thought that I was being targeted by marketers who could ascertain the size of my cock over the Internet. Some worry about “Big Brother” monitoring their daily activity. They can watch me fart around and play Guitar Hero all they want, but stay the fuck away from my unit regardless of its immensity.

Then I felt an odd emotion that I later identified as regret. I realized that some poor shit somewhere probably got the same email and it must've rung true for him…

Leno’s monologue from Late Night plays on the TV and poor Larry’s wife hurriedly gets up from bed.
Larry:Honey, is something wrong?

Wife:No, sweetie. I just can’t fall asleep without some serious dicking.

Larry:Oh, I see.
Larry realizes the obvious predicament.

Wife:And with your inconsequential penis, I think I’m gonna need some help.

Larry:Have you tried some warm milk? Maybe a benadryl or ambien?

Wife:Let’s just go straight to the root of this problem:My cavernous vagina and your infinitesimal penis. Good thing I have the Rambone, huh?

She would pull a massive, black (b/c I’m racist) vibrator out of a drawer aaaaand I’ll stop here....

Then I got depressed. Then I got more depressed b/c something so stupid as a penis enlargement spam email I’ve been receiving for yrs had the ability to make me this depressed. Damn you, empathy!

It’s a powerful emotion that allows a doctor to connect w/ a patient on a higher level… or it can make you strangely sad for some anonymous, imaginary fuck with an insomniac wife and a small package.