Note:The following is an interview w/ that sweltering hog Jessica Simpson.Me:Ms. Simpson, good to meet you. I’m glad you could find time b/w feedings to sit down and talk w/ me. And speaking of sitting down…Don’t worry about that chair; it’s titanium reinforced.
JS:Thank goodness! I was afraid that my massive, bloated 120lb frame would crush it.
Me:You know why you’re here. The media has published a series of new photos that show how you’ve transformed into a fetid, bovine slob.
JS:It is so embarrassing! I usually maintain a 1200cal/day diet, but recently pushed it up to 1800.
Me:How will this affect your film career?
JS:I’m not marketable as the beautiful, brainless object of men’s masturbatory fantasies. No longer can a guy use me as a mental image to get them to climax while they fuck their unattractive wife.
Me:But it has opened up some new doors, right? 
JS:Exactly; there’s a spot for me in the upcoming Norbit sequel. And in a Dukes of Hazzard follow-up I will not be playing Daisy Duke, but rather Boss Hogg.
Me:You have many defenders saying that the new pics are the consequence of a bad outfit, crappy lighting and low angle shots….
JS:Wishful thinking. My BMI has ballooned from 16 up to 21. Sniffs I’m now a size 4. It’s.. starts to cry It’s really very sad!
Me:passing her some Kleenex It’s ok.. Would you like a Hostess cupcake or Krispie Kreme to ease the pain of your morbid obesity?
JS:No thanks, I’ve recently started cutting myself to fulfill that role.
Me:That sounds healthy. I know this must be difficult for you. When did you first notice this immense weight gain?
JS:I’m a 28y/o healthy woman and one day I just start bleeding from my vagina! Turns out that this happens to many obese women and is called “a period”. I was so upset.
Me:That must’ve been scary and disgusting.
JS:Like finding a hair in the 4oz Dannon Light yogurt cup I binge on for dinner. 
Me:In closing; What’s next for Jessica Simpson?
JS:I pledge to my critics that I will get back to my pre-fatass form. I will return to a double digit weight.
Me:And by ‘critics’ you must mean overly judgmental assholes that prefer woman who have the body of a 13y/o boy.
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Jessica Simpson is not fat. I can’t be any clearer. It’s true that her contemporaries range from severely underweight to Auschwitz thin. But using that distorted scale to judge her is a dick move. 
What's more- I am revolted by Simpson and find her to be the talentless antithesis of intelligence. But I defend her on this one. There’s something to be said about staying fit and not turning into the amorphous blob shape that now defines the American physique. I contend that those super skinny people are just as gross as the mega-obese. Proof: no one in the history of mankind has ever jerked off to Karen Carpenter.
On the topic of
jerking off, my patience is running thin w/ these anorexic actresses. I love ribs w/ BBQ sauce and slaw, but seeing you when you wear a bikini is quite the boner shrinker. And given what I have to work with, shrinkage is one thing I cannot afford. 
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