Jessica Simpson is a Hungry, Fat Pig

Note:The following is an interview w/ that sweltering hog Jessica Simpson.

Me:Ms. Simpson, good to meet you. I’m glad you could find time b/w feedings to sit down and talk w/ me. And speaking of sitting down…Don’t worry about that chair; it’s titanium reinforced.

JS:Thank goodness! I was afraid that my massive, bloated 120lb frame would crush it.

Me:You know why you’re here. The media has published a series of new photos that show how you’ve transformed into a fetid, bovine slob.

JS:It is so embarrassing! I usually maintain a 1200cal/day diet, but recently pushed it up to 1800.

Me:How will this affect your film career?

JS:I’m not marketable as the beautiful, brainless object of men’s masturbatory fantasies. No longer can a guy use me as a mental image to get them to climax while they fuck their unattractive wife.

Me:But it has opened up some new doors, right?

JS:Exactly; there’s a spot for me in the upcoming Norbit sequel. And in a Dukes of Hazzard follow-up I will not be playing Daisy Duke, but rather Boss Hogg.

Me:You have many defenders saying that the new pics are the consequence of a bad outfit, crappy lighting and low angle shots….

JS:Wishful thinking. My BMI has ballooned from 16 up to 21. Sniffs I’m now a size 4. It’s.. starts to cry It’s really very sad!

Me:passing her some Kleenex It’s ok.. Would you like a Hostess cupcake or Krispie Kreme to ease the pain of your morbid obesity?

JS:No thanks, I’ve recently started cutting myself to fulfill that role.

Me:That sounds healthy. I know this must be difficult for you. When did you first notice this immense weight gain?

JS:I’m a 28y/o healthy woman and one day I just start bleeding from my vagina! Turns out that this happens to many obese women and is called “a period”. I was so upset.

Me:That must’ve been scary and disgusting.

JS:Like finding a hair in the 4oz Dannon Light yogurt cup I binge on for dinner.

Me:In closing; What’s next for Jessica Simpson?

JS:I pledge to my critics that I will get back to my pre-fatass form. I will return to a double digit weight.

Me:And by ‘critics’ you must mean overly judgmental assholes that prefer woman who have the body of a 13y/o boy.

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Jessica Simpson is not fat. I can’t be any clearer. It’s true that her contemporaries range from severely underweight to Auschwitz thin. But using that distorted scale to judge her is a dick move.

What's more- I am revolted by Simpson and find her to be the talentless antithesis of intelligence. But I defend her on this one. There’s something to be said about staying fit and not turning into the amorphous blob shape that now defines the American physique. I contend that those super skinny people are just as gross as the mega-obese. Proof: no one in the history of mankind has ever jerked off to Karen Carpenter.

On the topic of jerking off, my patience is running thin w/ these anorexic actresses. I love ribs w/ BBQ sauce and slaw, but seeing you when you wear a bikini is quite the boner shrinker. And given what I have to work with, shrinkage is one thing I cannot afford.

Disgusting Gym Story... Kinda Funny

This post can be found in entirety at: http://rupertroo.blogspot.com/
I’m a member of one of the most luxurious “athletic clubs” in the Chicago suburbs. One might think that the exorbitant monthly bill would decrease the odds of depraved and gross people from joining this gym…. Wrong!

There are many nauseating stories to tell. There was the time I walked into the steam room to find an elderly man lying on the floor totally naked with his hairy, wrinkled ass staring up at me. I swear that for a moment, he winked at me. Or take the middle-aged woman with a BMI of 60, who could’ve won the award for “World’s Most Inappropriately Revealing Leotard”, who was working out on every machine that I was going to use next. She was sure to leave a full body sweat mark on each station in her wake that she repeatedly never wiped down. I get chills just remembering that one. No, I think that this one beats them all out:


“The depth of your depravity sickens me”
–Jerry Falwell (Class A-1 Asshole per 2008 UAA Standards)

I walked toward the pocket of lockers where mine was located when I noticed an obstacle blocking my space. In front of me was a large (pushing 3 bills, easily) Asian man bent over as if he was touching his toes. He was displaying his ass and coin purse to me, in all it’s shining glory. His twigs and berries were lost somewhere in the depths of the cavernous stretch marks of his massive thighs. Initially repulsed, I regrouped and tried to circumvent his large, portly frame. Realizing that his immense body would not allow such a maneuver I was about to politely ask him to step aside when I realized that he was actually drying himself off.

He proceeded to move the white, cotton towel up his legs until he reached his groin. Next he began to use the towel as butt floss as he used this back-and-forth motion to dry off his taint. The Asian man did this butt-flossing routine for about 5 seconds. When he stopped he looked down at the towel to find it was now a light shade of brown. He paused and shrugged his shoulders in a “Geez, how’d that happen?” kind of way and proceeded as if nothing unusual had just occurred. I swiftly walked out of the locker room, trying desperately to suppress my gag reflex.