Welcome to McDonalds, Go Fuck Off!

Note:This REALLY happened to me 7/18/09
Being a health nut, I ate at McDonalds. I anticipated that this would induce regret in the form of steatorrhea (medical term for greasy, gross diarrhea), but I did NOT forecast this series of asshole-laden events. BTW, wikipedia "steatorrhea" for a more thorough description.

The car in the drive-thru ahead of me must’ve ordered a McKobe Steak b/c he was told to move up and wait a few minutes. I advanced and got my McNuggets.

Then I realized that the dick who ordered the McKobe didn’t pull up far enough to give me space adequate to leave. Looking back I saw a line of 3 cars now waiting behind me. Reverse was no option.

So I honked my horn twice to no effect. I had a cigarette and listened to "Beat It" by MJ on my iTouch. Now other cars are honking at me. Adjacent to where this bastard was waiting were 3 parking spots w/ a sign that clearly read: "Waiting Area: Thanks for your patience". I asked the checkout girl if she could do something but found her level of English comprehension was equal to that of a goldfish. I left my car and approached this douche of royal proportions. King Douchingham the III was a 40ish bald, black guy wearing an even blacker long sleeved shirt.

ME:Maybe you want to park over in the waiting area?
It seemed like a simple enough request.

KING DOUCHINGHAM:Maybe you want to go fuck off!
(And he said it w/ that accentuation, too)

Put yourself in my shoes. What am I supposed to do, punch him in the face? Do I spit on him or shout a racial slur; surely he’s opened the door to any of these options.

But I don’t want to be arrested or go to jail. And being a somewhat thin, white guy… I didn’t want to get the shit beaten out of me (although I think I could’ve taken him given the age difference).

ME:Ok. I’m just gonna go back to my car and fuck off a little bit. Let me know if you want to join in.

Walking back to my shitty car I lit up another smoke. I put on "Black or White", also on my Michael Jackson iTouch playlist, and turned up the volume until the dashboard started to shake. Skin color really doesn’t matter; but if you’re an a-hole that’s like triple word score points, fucker.

Sigh (I literally sighed when I wrote that last part). McDonalds used to be "Food, Folks and Fun" but has been reduced to "Food, Steatorrhea and King Douchingham the III". Not quite the same
ring, is it?

God, Pepperoni Nipples and Tara Reid

God either doesn’t exist or is a big jerk! There… I got it off my chest. Speaking of getting things off one’s chest, I finally saw the Tara Reid video where she accidentally flashed her cans to the media at a red carpet event. Aside from being hilarious, my first reaction as a doctor was, “Damn, who did her boob job? That guy fucked up!”

It’s sorta a regular tit except the nipple is off center and looks like a piece of desiccated pepperoni that a terrier chewed up. I know women aren’t fond of boob jokes, especially if it challenges the symmetry, but this a fact: Tara Reid’s left nipple DOES resemble a piece of digested pepperoni.

And I feel bad for her. She obviously has $$ and a top Beverley Hills MD. Bad things happen to good people. I know it’s a stretch of common sense and imagination to assume that Tara Reid fits the description of a “good person”. Shit, I know at least 30 people I call friends who I’d take a punch for but still KNOW that they’re not really “good”.

I’ve seen soooo many patients come in with belly pain or a headache. And the ones who are pricks end up having migraines. But the nice people…. The really cool, interesting people… they get brain cancer. I haven’t formally analyzed the data, but I’ve seen 1000’s of patients and there’s a direct relationship b/w kindness and poor prognosis.

It’s like inverse karma. This leads me to Theodicy. It’s a branch of philosophy that deals w/ the problem of evil. Why would a benevolent God allow rape, murder of innocents and torture to continue? Theists maintain that there’s a bigger picture. Remember that U2 song “Mysterious Ways”? It’s like that only about Jesus, not some drunk chick dancing at a bar.

There wasn’t a class on this at my undergrad but I read all the leading books on the subject b/c it fascinated me. As an atheist, I can chalk this all up to the yellow smiley face t-shirt: Shit happens.

If you believe in a traditional God you’ve some ‘splaining to do, Lucy. If you own a goldfish and (s)he gets caught in the filter, you take it out and let it free. You wouldn’t want it to suffer unduly b/c you give a shit. That’s normal. But if an omnipotent God sees a woman walking to her car and some psycho w/ a carving knife rapes her, Jesus just sits back and watches?

Fuck free will. Help her out, man. That’s NOT cool. Even if there is some bigger plan, humans aren’t embodied w/ the intellect to understand it while we’re alive so we still suffer. Here’s a corollary metaphor. When you were a kid, probably 7y/o, you went to the pediatrician to get vaccinated and it sucked. But the MD and parents DID know better. They knew that the temporary pain was worth it vs. getting polio or mumps.

The problem is that no one can explain to the kid of that raped woman exactly what part of his “Daddy” (the serial rapist) defiling his Mom was part of God’s plan. B/c I don’t see any good part about rape. I actually think it’s about the worse thing one human can do to another. Still it happens every day. And Jesus watches w/ hands folded, when he could clearly intervene.

Maybe this is a challenge of sorts, right? Even if that’s the case, it’s a helluva challenge. And if a wiser, smarter friend of mine ever wanted to watch me grow as a person or experience enlightenment by being raped; I would kick him right in the nuts. Same goes for Tara Reid and her pepperoni nipple. Same goes for God. He either doesn’t exist or is a big jerk.

Millionaire Bee-yatchmaker, Part I

My newest guilty pleasure is an insipid show on Bravo called Millionaire Matchmaker. The premise: Rich, socially retarded people are set up on dates w/ attractive but spiritually and mentally empty singles in a futile attempt to find a mate. The idea is that these wealthy guys are kind, genuinely decent people who just haven't found the right person yet. Turns out that most of them are just toolbags. In case you don't know that's a combination of a tool and douchebag.

I'm not stating that being rich makes you a self-interested toolbag (although there is often a direct correlation), but the men on her show would easily surpass the cordless drill, magnetic screwdriver and Joe the Plumber for "Tool of the Year" Award. I've stated in the past that if you base a romantic relationship on money you're kinda screwed up at the start. Millionaire Matchmaker demonstrates this excellently.

The woman in charge is Patti Stanger, an East coast Jew w/ freckly tits and an attitude that screams, "Bee-yatch"! As Bon Jovi said, she really does give love a bad name. WTF is a "3rd generation matchmaker" anyway? Her Grandma was setting up hot 1920's poon w/ a Vanderbilt? The fact that she preys on the insecurities and frivolities of rich assholes makes her a predatory bitch at best and a glorified pimp at worst. Did I mention that she also has freckly tits? Additionally she looks a lot like the WWE's Chyna, but w/ a worse wig. 3 comments about the program:

1.I fail to see much of a distinction b/w Patti’s job and that of a pimp. She basically runs a high profile escort service. She has this rule of “no sex” but she’s setting up dudes w/ hot chicks and charging them for it… She’s a fucking pimp in my book, and not the good kind like Snoop Dog.

2.Her methods for “matchmaking” are hilarious. Telling a guy that his condo needs new furniture is considered “counseling”. Getting an appt at a hair salon is a makeover. I’m a fashion nightmare and even I could say to some dude: “Uhh.. Brush your teeth and shower. Use deoderant. Uhmmm… then compliment her looks. Next… ask her questions about herself?”

3.Another great technique of Patti’s is getting men to lower their standards. Isn’t that terrific? You pay this bitch to set you up w/ a hot piece of ass and she says: “Sorry, you’re 48, you shouldn’t be dating 25 year olds”. Fuck you, clown! I’m a frigging millionaire. I didn’t come here so you could tell me I’m too old to get that, cuz w/ one phone call and $1000 I could have it now. Or one trip to Thailand and $5, either way.

Lastly I wanted to add that the very existence of a show like this makes me weep for the future. That people would devote time and thought to a self-important Jewess w/ sun spots on her boobs who doles out "expert advice" about love is truly sad. Stunning conclusion in Part II, coming soon. I have to get back to watching Rock of Love w/ Bret Michaels. That show rules.

Madoff’s Punishment, Part II

If you missed me last time, what follows is my punishment for Bernie Madoff. I only came up w/ 5 days and invite others to add their own suggestions. Note:This is graphic, disgusting and comes from the darkest corners of my psyche. Proceed at your own risk.

Monday
The week starts w/ Madoff naked and tied down to a sandpaper sofa. His movement is completely restricted. He’s given a sub-lethal dose of a super-laxative. So he’s stuck there in the nude w/ his ass like an open fire hydrant spurting brown water. The TV in front of him airs nothing but Ghost Dad on continuous loop. And every 5 minutes a guard flicks him in the ear after whispering, “Your mother never loved you!”

Tuesday
Talk to him out of nowhere in 3rd period English. Tell him he’s “cute” and touch his leg at lunch. Then get him to buy you nice gifts and meals at expensive restaurants, like Quiznos. Promise him sex but when you get in the back seat of his ’93 Ford Taurus exclaim loudly, “Hey, Rupert Roo!!! You have a REALLY small penis!” and run out of the car like an Ethiopian w/ a McDonalds gift certificate in Times Square. For some odd reason this one really resonates w/ me.

Wednesday
Place him in the center of a giant, padded maze w/ no solution. It’s pitch black and his only surroundings would be the left over rotting carcasses from a local slaughterhouse and the same insects they used in Temple of Doom, but a lot more of them. If he refused to move or was stationary for >10 seconds, a mild electrical jolt would be administered through the floor. This is exercise day.

Thursday
The next room he is hung upside down and forced to listen to I Saw the Sign, by Ace of Base over and over. Every other minute all the oxygen is removed from the room, effectively suffocating Bernie for 30 seconds. When the air is let back in, it’s a special mixture of stained baby diaper scent and the farts of lactose intolerant inmates drinking Shamrock Shakes. This goes on for 12hrs. His lunch break is a dose of Ipecac that, of course he is fed in the same inverted position, forcing him to puke back into his own mouth continuously.

Friday
At this point, Bernie has been kept hydrated w/ IV fluids but has eaten nothing all wk. Present to him a trough filled w/ the spit-chewed tobacco that all the prisoners have contributed during this time. If he refuses to eat it, feed him via TPN (in his veins) but only after a meticulous plucking of every hair on his body and a liberal application of “Ícy-Hot” to his scrotum each hour.

Each of these is based on real life scenarios I have encountered, and likely explains why this blog exists in the first place.

Madoff’s Punishment, Part I

Previously I wrote about Bernie and defended his ethnicity as being wholly separate from his crime. Nonetheless he’s one of the biggest pricks in recent history. Madoff plead guilty to all federal charges w/ no plea bargain. Sounds like he’s accepting his fate and admitting guilt? You think he’s sorry?

Wrong. This piece of shit knew that even w/ a plea bargain he’d still be in jail for the rest of his jizz-gargling life. He did this so his family and friends won’t need to perjure their asses off in court. Plus he doesn’t need to say a word to the Feds about where he stashed the loot.

He wore a Kevlar vest to the courthouse. People want to kill him and I understand. But it’s like the end of David Fincher’s Se7en where I’m yelling to the Brad Pitt character: “Don’t do it, you dumb fuck! Don’t shoot him!” Death is too easy for this scum; same as for Kevin Spacey (not the actor… he’s rather talented, but I still prefer Hackman’s Lex Luthor).

Furthermore it’s uncreative to imagine Bernie in solitary confinement for the rest of his jizz-gargling life. The only visitors allowed would have to be Lexington Steele, Peter North and a troika of well-endowed, Black men who each consume a Cialis and Vodka mixer before BID gangbangs begin.

“We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison!”

–Michael Bolton, Office Space

Believe it or not severe, repetitive corn-holing would get redundant and sequentially less effective. Even the guy who cleans up Port-O-Potties gets used to the smell after a while. The key to a good punishment, as w/ so many things (sex, food and music come to mind), is variety. Next is my 5 day punishment schedule for Bernie. I think it's relatively creative. Did I mention that jizz-gargling is involved?

Hiroshima Tears

This is a story told to me by a WWII vet in the winter of 2003, while I rotated through a military hospital. The words aren't identical, but it's pretty close.

I had already been part of the invasion force in the Philippines. By the end of the day I think I got about eight of them, but I'm not sure. Two I do know, because I used my bayonet. The first I hit right in the throat [motions w/ his hands] and blood came shooting out like a fountain. The other guy I hit in the chest. He didn’t die right away. I had to brace my boot on his head to gain leverage adequate to remove the blade. Actually, I’m not certain if he died but he wasn’t moving when I left him.

"I stabbed 2 men to death and shot 6 others that day… I was 19 years old. "

A couple years later I was brought to a training camp in Guam. I didn’t have to ask what we were training for… We were going to invade Japan. No one talked about it publicly. We didn’t have this constant news on the TV like you have now. But we knew… we knew that most of us wouldn’t make it.

One day I was standing outside the landing strip when I saw my CO with tears in his eyes. He had the oddest smile on his face. “They did it… I’m not sure how, but they did it,” he said. The US had dropped an atomic bomb on Japan.

Even then, surrender wasn’t assured. But it was my best shot. I was a death row inmate receiving a presidential pardon. And I cried too. Those tears weren’t for the 8 men I killed on the Philippines, either. They were mine.

Religion and Bernie Madoff

Two points about the biggest scam of all history.

1.I like how CNN and FOX both reported “Jewish Investor Steals Billions”. The fact that this guy is Jewish has nothing to do w/ his crime, other than that his religious/ethnic affiliation granted him access to a lot of rich, Jewish people. BTW, I am ¼ Jewish, although raised very Lutheran. This gives me enough pull to make jokes about their holidays and eating habits, but not the Holocaust.

2.And this is the bigger point. Faith is not a virtue. Specifically, blind faith is not something that you should be proud of. I have faith in a lot of things.

I believe that the sun will rise tomorrow. I have faith that I can use chopsticks to guide an ahi roll into my mouth. But this is clearly based on past performance. Getting close to debating Scottish genius David Hume and his criticism of induction, I will deflect. These assumptions are rooted in empiric evidence no matter how you spin it.

In a Darwinian sense, I feel that religion could not survive w/o the concept of faith. Religions that don't demand faith allow their disciples to logically demonstrate them to be untrue. Those religions tended to die out. Religions that demanded faith didn't leave any way for their followers to use logic against them, b/c they denied that logic worked against them. Those religions survived, and so most religions we have now are of that type.

The type that says: unmerited belief is not only specially regarded and rewarded by god, but doubting is specially loathed if not punished by him. Here’s the real Ponzi scheme…

Unmerited belief is presented as courageous risk-taking that will be recompensed in greater degree, whereas belief based on verifiable proof involves no risk and thus has no special merit.

So you believe me based on dubious proof and I will reward you for this leap of faith. This is how you get 19 lonely Muslims to fly airplanes into the World Trade Center.

The kicker is that God supposedly endowed us all w/ a small fraction of his intelligence. You know, “made in his image”? So he gave me reason and a limited ability to think about shit… I should use my brain to weed out false prophets and straw men and not buy that stupid Snuggie. But it’s somehow an insult to him if I use this intellect to try to figure out the biggest questions of our time?

It’s like The Wizard of Oz, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain”! If the SEC, FDIC or any reasonable govt official would’ve taken a peek under Bernie Madoff’s curtains, they would’ve uncovered this scam. I engage any ardent theist to do the same.

Home Schooling my Niece

Teddy, the 13 year-old son of my neighbor, is the only kid who calls me “Dr. Roo”. I saw him getting the mail in a wizard’s outfit ala Mickey Mouse from Fantasia.

“What’s up, Ted?” I inquired.

“I’m not Ted! I'm arc-knight Sindelore w/ a class 5 wizard’s mage” Then he made a “wooshing” sound effect and ran into his home. He was wearing a cape. Is Teddy a nerd? Is he retarded? Perhaps developmentally delayed? No. Teddy is

Home Schooled!

My sister plans the same for my niece. This is me venting. Both of my sisters and I went to the same schools and we each have college degrees. There are classes in AP Muppets (or anything), a weight room nicer than my gym and a cafeteria w/ these chocolate chip cookies that rule. Plus there are tons of attractive, intelligent people there.

And they will want nothing to do w/ my niece once my sister is done “educating” her. I loved public school. That’s not to say I had it easy. I was a huge dork who received bimonthly ass kickings and no girl from my own school would touch me. I had plenty of friends who shared a similar fate. But we all turned out fine.

By the end of high school, no one was picking on me and I could almost talk normally w/ women my own age. When college ended, the opposite sex was no longer too intimidating. After grad school it all seemed like a big joke (my stupid insecurities and inconsequential, yet incessant worries).

I might’ve gotten a higher SAT score had I been home schooled, but I learned so much about life and myself by interacting w/ others. My sis fails to recognize this fact. Sure, I failed many times and faced rejection on a routine level… but that’s life, dude.

Which brings me to my point: Home schooling your child is like teaching your kid about sex by fucking them yourself in the basement. Little Melissa would certainly give better head if taught from her Mom and Dad to retract her teeth and cup the balls delicately. You could even teach her that “stroke and suck at the same time” technique you discovered at Jewish sleepover camp. Her reverse cowgirl would be unbeatable! She would be the most advanced little fucker in her age group.

Despite these pertinent skills Melissa would also be totally messed up. B/c in the end,kids need to learn some things on their own and you just have to trust them and the system that everything will work out. You can’t protect them forever and you can’t teach them everything yourself. If you truly believe that you can, you’re really just fucking them (basement optional).

Sneaking into AMC 30 and Fake Confidence

I walked up to the usher and flashed a ticket stub I'd found on the ground outside the theater.

“You want back in?” He asked.

“I just had a smoke,” Then I coughed, for effect. I figured they were really only looking for nervous teenagers and as long as I feigned confidence he'd never suspect me. I’ve been faking confidence for 20yrs now so this was an easy role. It worked.

Speaking of great acting, I stumbled into Doubt w/ Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. As the film started a baby in the next row starts crying. Holy Shit. You bring your 5-month-old kid to see a film about Catholic priests raping boys? You suck at life and I want to punch you. Do you also hire Michael Jackson to baby-sit?

Luckily the mom picked up the child and left. Not 5 mins later and this dickhole’s cell phone goes off to the tune of “The Macarena”. Now I haven’t heard “The Macarena” in like 7 yrs but it’s just as annoying now as in it’s heyday. Before I could even get out a, “Hey dickhole”, “DICKHOLE!” or even a “Stupid dickhole” 3 other people were already scolding this poor guy. He certainly deserved it, the dickhole.

Next there was this crying baby who was concomitantly talking on his iPhone, but I won’t get into that. Overall Doubt is a very good film. I can see how it might piss off Catholics, though. But hey, you don’t hear about Rabbis playing “Hide the Salami” w/ their Hebrew School class. It would have to be Kosher Salami, too.

The performances from Hoffman and Streep were amazing. This was no surprise. What was surprising were the strong supporting roles played by Amy Adams and Viola Davis. Doubt has a cool ending and certainly challenges its audience.

As the 2nd act ended an usher, complete w/ his $5 uniform and mini-flashlight, approached me. I thought, “Well, it was good while it lasted,” and reached for my wallet.

“Sir, you can’t eat those here,” and he pointed toward my bag of dried fruit.

“I’m…” and I immediately thought I'd say I was diabetic but figured he’d ask to see an insulin syringe or something so what came out was: “I have hereditary beta-galactosidase deficiency and I get hypoglycemic.”

“What?” the puzzled kid asked me.

“Beta-galactosidase deficiency. Look, I can go buy some Sour Patch Kids or something...”

“No, it’s cool.” Was his response. Faking confidence is impt. There can be no doubt.