Rupert, the Homophobe

The setting for this tale is your standard Chicago sports bar. I was there to watch the Celtics play the Lakers (and hopefully win). But other bar patrons had a different agenda: pounding my sweet ass. After my 6th or 7th drink I was already pretty toasty. When I approached the bar to order another drink I overheard a conversation.

“You are ‘Uber-hot’ and I really mean it!” Said drunken guy #1 to anonymous stranger #4. I paid little attention and continued to order my drinks. Anonymous stranger #4 left and drunken guy #1 approaches me. “You are ‘Uber-hot’ and I really mean it” he repeats to me. I’m not fishing for compliments here, but I know for a matter of personal record that I am NOT “Uber-hot”. Under optimal conditions I am barely usual hot. I’m not butt-fugly but no one would ever confuse me for Brad Pitt.

“I think you’ve had too much to drink tonight” I say to this obviously confused and drunk homo.

“No, no no! You’re uber-hot, man. You want a BJ?”

I didn’t pause to ask him if he was offering up a $100 bill. “I’m sorry, I think this is a misunderstanding” I replied.

“No, no uber-hot guy! I want to blow you.”
At this point I pretended to not hear him and walked away. I guess I’m old-fashioned that way; some guy offers to blow me and I just get all flustered! I proceeded to walk out of the bar and toward the Red line El stop. This guy didn’t slow down.

I conjured up terrible images in my head of this guy following me to my apt. I figured that he would stalk me and then bend me over a table and rape me. I quickly surmised that he was only about 5’8 and that I was probably a lot stronger than him. That being the case, I could probably rape him. For an instant I envisioned yelling, “Fuck off, I’ll rape you, motherfucker!” but I didn’t.

As I walked out of the bar it started to rain and this lonely gay guy made some innocuous comment like, “Wow, when it rains, it really pours”.

“What do the 36th president of the United States and a Mexican blowjob have in common?” I asked him at the turnstile of the Fullerton stop.

“I don’t know” He answered.

“They are both ‘El BJ’”. I said, w/ a smile. I stuck out my hand and he shook it, approvingly. “Get home uber-safe” I commented as I signaled for a cab.

Celebutard Lookalikes

As much as I deplore America's obsession w/ celebrity, it's impossible not to notice the profound effect these "superstars" have on our culture. Until it starts to be cool to master quantum physics or it's hip to care about your community these are the movers and shakers of our world. Here's a quick compilation of some lookalikes that I found to be amusing (in no particular order).

1.David Archuleta and Mon Chi Chi

Yes, I know that American Idol is about as bad as it gets. Truthfully I haven't watched the show since Clay "I swear I'm straight" Aiken and Ruben "I'm so fat that I was named after a fucking sandwich" Studdard. And boy, how that show has blossomed into a beautiful turd sandwich. I don't really know who this kid is, but he lost to some other douche who was also named David. I predict that this guy will make his royal exit from the closet around 2011.

2.William Balfour and Eddie Murphy's Buckwheat

In case you don't know, William Balfour is the guy awaiting trial for the murder of 3 people in Jennifer Hudson's family. I'm not defending what Don Imus said a while back, but if the phrase "nappy-headed" was ever used appropriately, I think that this would have to be that single instance. And I have no idea if this guy is a "Ho" or not, but since he's going to jail I hope he can maintain an "Oh Tay" grip onto a bar of soap while showering.

3.Brian Williams and Guy Smiley

It's like they designed a muppet specifically for Brian! I also don't think it's a coincidence that Brian Williams has this much in common with what amounts to be a decorated sock. If I had to be a muppet, I think I would choose Animal. Since I can't even master drums on the "Hard" difficulty setting of Rock Band, this is not a very likely scenario.

4.Amy Winehouse and Jim Cameron's Alien

Holy shit, where do I start? I'm not too experienced w/ her music but it must be fan-fucking-tastic. I make this claim knowing that she definitely did NOT sleep her way to the top. No one convinced her that giving the studio execs a hummer might increase air time. I imagine it'd be like inserting your dick into an acid bath, only without the wet, albeit caustic, lubrication that said bath would naturally provide. Amy Winehouse looks on the outside how Jessica Simpson must feel on the inside. And that's fucking scary.

5.Einstein and this cute Pug

I think that pugs are just adorable. But I don't like how their tails are like curled up in the air so that their buttholes are on constant display for all onlookers. When I wake up and flip on CNN and I'm eating an eggo waffle in bed... I really don't want to look at your dirty, wrinkled butthole. Having never seen Einstein's butthole myself, I will not comment on that orifice.

6.Stan Van Gundy and Ron Jeremy

Who do you think would flinch first if a stranger yelled out to them, "Take it to the hole!"? My bet is on the Hedgehog. I also think that they look a lot like Mario (from the Nintendo games).

7.Bruce Villanch and Sweetums
I usually don't advocate ripping on someone just for being fat, unattractive and flaming. And I will continue this behavior here, b/c the main reason I don't like Bruce is that he's not funny and yet he purports to be a comedian. Other than be on Hollywood Squares what did this guy ever accomplish or create? That's right: YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, Bruce. If you don't like that then sue me you cocklick... and earn your first dollar in 7 years.

8.Robert Downey Jr, Jeffery Dean Morgan and Anton Chigurh

I know that JDM had a brief stint on the crap cake known as Grey's Anatomy but he's also got a part in the upcoming Watchmen, which I predict will be ginormous. They look comically like archetype personalities. Downey is the boy band version, Morgan is for young professionals, and Chigurh is for sociopathic murderers who slaughter their victims with a cattle gun. Guess which one is my favorite?

9.Ricky Williams and Predator

Tackle me, I'm here! Do it! Do it now! Tackle me! Come on! I'm here!

10.Hillary Duff and Jenna Jameson

Same eyes and cheeks. Probably a different strain of chlamydia, however.

11.Sam Waterson and Alf

Just for once on Law and Order, I would love for Mr. Waterson to start waxing poetic about life on Melmac, his bloodthirst for cats or just a random, "I kill me!" during a cross examination.

I actually have a ton more of these in my head but I am too lazy to look for evidence (pics) right now. Feel free to add your own or email me w/ suggestions. This will probably be my last post before Christmas. Whatever your belief system, I wish you the best this year and hope you have a great holiday with your family and friends. Unless you are my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me near the end of college. If by some odd chance you are reading this I hope that you get Super AIDS and die over a prolonged and painful hospital course from an opportunistic infection. Just to be clear:Best of luck to everyone unless you're that chick who cheated on me and then I wish for you to get Super AIDS. Merry Christmas everyone (except that one chick)!

A Treatise on Douche Negotiation

What do John Lennon, MLK, Gandhi, JFK, RFK and Jesus have in common? Aside from being extremely famous, they were all pacifists. Did I mention that each of them was also murdered horribly? While the Walrus was singing, “Give peace a chance”, an obese nutjob w/ a hardon for Salinger gunned him down in the streets of NY like Sonny Corleone at the toll stop. I find this an especially relevant topic in the age of global terrorism and the nuclear developments of countries in the Middle East. Letting Iran develop an atom bomb is akin to a scantily clad woman going back to Mike Tyson's hotel room after the date; you’re kinda asking for it.

Pacifism seems like a great option. I watch the Miss America Pageant annually (mostly w/ my pants on), and I also wish for world peace. I just don’t see it as overwhelmingly plausible. There have been rare instances in which negotiation did succeed, the Cuban Missile Crisis being most notable; although some scholars state that this encounter further prolonged Vietnam, I’ll take a dozen Nams over a nuke launched at South Beach. MLK and Gandhi did accomplish huge things in their lifetimes. But 1000’s of yrs of human nature trumps extraordinary individual effort. India gained independence from GB but they still get a constant game of atomic “Truth or Dare” w/ Pakistan (and the dare doesn't involve kissing the fat chick). Civil rights have progressed radically in the US, but I bet you won’t take your kids trick-or-treating in Cabrini Green.

Indeed, Mr. Joel: It has always been burning, since the world's been turning. Bad guys exist. You think Darth Vader was based on a dream? That cross-dressing dude who tucked his cock between his legs in Silence of the Lambs was just imagined? People like that live in your city, thankfully in a slim minority. It looks like the Somali pirates will continue to plague the Indian ocean. And I don't mean the cartoonish, Disney robots coaxing a dog to a jail cell w/ a bone. These are bad ass black dudes w/ machine guns. Johnny Depp is not on board.

I maintain that a pacifist is a retrograde, unrealistic pseudointellectual w/ little personal knowledge of actual human nature or history. It’s nice to imagine that you can sit down at a Starbucks w/ one of these despots and change the way that they think. But for all of recorded history that approach hasn’t worked. You think you can change the fundamental way that humans interact?

“Yes we can!”

It’s unfair to judge how Obama will fair before he even takes office. Because the current US wars are so unpopular (thank you CNN and MSNBC) and the GOP looks like tired, out-of-touch Bible beaters (thank you Fox News) more and more people are leaning toward douche negotiation. I hope that Barack maintains an anti-douche negotiation policy, but I am not optimistic. Pacifism is in vogue right now. My generation is truly a generation of pussies (myself included). I remember getting in a fight in the 7th grade and the kid I was about to punch said something like, “My Dad’s a lawyer”! This approach does not work on an international scale.

Neither does pacifism. The ultimate aim is to control someone else’s actions (the aggressor). Ultimately negotiation doesn’t function when you’re dealing with COMPLETE DOUCHES. But douches do respond to action. In fact they are forced to. That’s why they call it force. Look it up in the OED next time you're at the library of Kent State University.

I’m still glad that there are pacifists out there. However the historical examples above paint a similar picture. An eloquent, erudite man preaching tolerance and peace… then the very evil which they describe goes ahead and pulls a Kill Bill on them. If it was me, I’d be giving the speech w/ a Hattori Hanzo sword at my hip.

Even Batman never dealt with douchebaggery of this pedigree. Obama will on day one. I just hope that he doesn't try the same "lawyer" line. Douches don't care about Harvard Law school. Just listen:

“Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.” –Alfred

I would Laugh...

A good friend of mine recently bought a new puppy! She is an 8 wk old Malti-Poo (an ironic suffix, given her primary activity in life) and she’s very cute. As I wait for the laborious credentialing process at the new hospital to finish up, I babysit this doggy. She is great. One afternoon, while waiting for heartworm meds to be filled at a Chicago Petsmart I overheard someone comment: “God, look at that woman with the fur coat while she walks that dog! Makes me want to fucking puke!” Sure enough, there was a 40-something y/o black woman wearing a brown mink coat and holding some kind of terrier. It did seem a bit contradictory, but also funny. Then I thought of an even better prank.

You need a friend who is a large, black man or be one yourself (which precludes my Casper-ass). You dress up in a Michael Vick jersey and take a pit bull into Petsmart. Prepare in advance by applying fake wounds and cuts to your pit bull. Make sure at least one of the wounds is leaking/oozing faux blood. Then walk up to the consumer service desk and ask, “Where do you keep the dog Hemostats? What about sutures, do you have any canine sutures? Anything that will dull a dog’s senses, more specifically, the ability to feel pain? And finally, do you sell cattle prods, water tanks or a small kiln?”

I would just laugh my ass off. No, really:I do think that the look on the employee’s face would cause me to evacuate my bowels. I wonder if Mr. Vick had the foresight to do the same before being sent to the serial butt-rapist wing of the Virginia State Prison.

The Curious Case of Freddie Prinze Jr.

This post is largely my reaction to watching this piece of shit movie called Down to You, which stars Mr. Prinze and Julia Stiles. Understandably, I am pissed off. Granted it was 1:30 in the am and I had my baseline insomnia. But still… what a fucking disaster. Someone actually sat down and wrote this horrid dialogue, probably thinking that it was clever.

All of this got me thinking about Freddie Prinze Jr. He hasn’t really done anything lately, has he? So I checked out imdb. His resume is less than impressive, but I’ll leave that judgment to you. He did star in a couple of Scooby Doo films and had his own sitcom alongside Brian Austin Green (with the witty title of Freddie). I guess that makes him a “star”, right? He was relatively successful in a fiercely competitive field. For most of the 90’s he made a good living doing something he loved: acting. And I use this term, “acting”, very loosely here b/c I’m not convinced that what he does qualifies. He got to bang Buffy the Vampire Slayer and make millions of dollars. Not a bad life, eh?

But that apparently wasn’t enough for Freddie. He quit acting, if you didn’t know. He said, "I'm going to stop acting in the next few years because it's just too weird. You have to constantly be willing to live in a scary, emotional place, which is why actors are in therapy all the time”. Wow. That sounds very… reasonable. Maybe there’s something more to this pretty boy? After a little more research, I found out that he’s now a part of the “creative team” of writers for the WWE. So he’s gone from headlining major Hollywood films to penning scripts for Hulk Hogan’s next match. Oh, the humanity!

You might think that Freddie has taken a mighty fall. If you take the time to read his blog, he seems very happy. He talks about his family, the Holidays and mundane stuff like that. That is what makes Freddie Prinze Jr. a genius. He’s living his life with his job as a sincere second. I think that it’s very admirable, especially now when many people define themselves by their profession. Sometimes I’m introduced as, “My friend, the doctor”. Or maybe I’ll mention an old friend to my Dad and he says, “Isn’t that the Jew who did his MBA at Kellogg”? So this complex and interesting person is reduced to A.Being Jewish and B.Having an MBA. And maybe people still talk about Freddie in the context of his Hollywood career, but he doesn’t seem to think of things that way.

As a corollary I remember a program on NPR of an interview w/ James Watson. He’s one of the main guys who discovered DNA. He won a Nobel prize for it in 1962. He described the elation and pride he felt upon making this world-changing discovery and receiving the ultimate recognition for it. Dr. Watson stated that he was truly and completely happy at that moment. The interviewer next asked him, “How long did that feeling, that happiness last?” Watson’s reply: “About a week”.

I doubt that Prinze listened to the same show, but he appears to have learned the main lesson: You can’t let your work define you. You can’t rely on work to bring you happiness. Even if you’re the best of all time at what you do, that’s not what’s important. I’ve met so many Type-A, go-getters in my medical career. And I feel sorry for them. It’s not that I’m lacking in ambition, I just think that the more they push themselves into medicine, the further away they get from really being happy. This statement probably holds true for a lot of professions; lawyers, mechanics, teachers. Maybe even writers for the WWE. Freddie Prinze may be a terrible actor, but he sure comes off as a pretty decent guy.

DirecTV Suggestions

Notice:This is kinda gross.

They have these DirecTV ads that use green screen to incorporate clips from famous movies into the commericals. One of them starts w/ Christy Brinkley jumping into a pool at the motel during National Lampoon’s Vacation w/ Clark Griswold standing there in his socks shouting, “This is crazy! This is crazy! This is CRAZY!” Then Brinkley breaks the 4th wall and says to the viewer: “No! Crazy is not connecting your new flatscreen to DirecTV!”

It’s such a clever model that I’ve seen it redone w/ Kathy Bates and James Caan in a Misery spoof, as well as Sigourney Weaver remaking Alien. NTM, they did it w/ Back To the Future, perhaps the greatest sci-fi comedy of my childhood. Imagine how much better it’d be if these ads incorporated some more unique spots. One of my favs is Silence of the Lambs.

Picture this: a young Clarice Starling walking swiftly down the corridor of a Baltimore prison. At the end of the hall her guest, Hannibal Lecter, awaits. Just before she gets to his maximum-security cell, that crazy, mumbling guy busts a nut and sends it flying at Agent Starling. Foster turns to the screen and says, “Boy, that guy must be pretty crazy to throw his jizz in my hair! But you know what’s really crazy? Not getting DirecTV!” Ahh, Multiple Miggs… classic character.

Please feel free to include your own suggestion for a new DirecTV ad. I should email them some time.

Top 10 Best TV Music

This list is only considering my own childhood.. so basically the 80's. If you grew up in a different era: sorry, you lose. It's been said that a hallmark of a dying blog is when the author stops writing and starts posting clips or pictures. If that's the case, then send me to the morgue. But I figured that you'd need some supporting media to make the claim that a song is "the 4th best" of it's time, or whatever. Enough said. This is my list, and I'm sticking w/ it. Additionally, I did put quite a bit of effort and thought into formulating this list.

10.Golden Girls

And if you threw an orgy... and invited everyone you kneeeew! You would see, the biggest dick would be on me. And the balls attached would say: Thank you for being a friend. Killer song. Old people can be so entertaining. Especially when they misplace their meds or act like whores.

9.The Jeffersons

I live in Chicago, and I swear that this song was played in stereo at Grant Park the night that Obama was elected. Infinitely superior to the Diff'rent Strokes intro, this is the ultimate black guy oppression song. And Sherman Hemsley was a fricking genius. Also great was the racist portrayal of Native Americans at 0:41. Go racial progress!

8.Thundercats

It was a tough choice b/c I also wanted to include GI Joe and the Transformers song. But this is the best of the group. The song makes me want to go lift some weights or fight Mumra or kick a cat... or something. BTW, Mumra's "Oh-face" at 1:00 is priceless. This should be the #1 Google hit for the phrase, "Mumra's 'Oh-face'" now, right? I can't wait until someone googles that!

7.Dallas

The 70's disco backdrop is awesome! Great theme to a decent show. I really don't care who shot JR... but Patrick Duffy could still kick my bony ass and Victoria Principal is fucking hot. I wanted to include The A Team, but the Dallas song is a lot cooler (despite it being a weaker program). I'd also like to add that I lived in Texas during my medical residency and there are a lot more women there who resemble retarded Fraggle Rock rejects than those who compare to Ms. Principal (my super-hot GF being an obvious exception).

6.Growing Pains

I don't actually like this song so much, but the few guitar notes employed puts it over Family Ties as the "not funny sitcom" from the 80's that I will use here. Plus I dig the synths and percussion. If you have a GF or wife you can sing this one in harmony with them... although performing this action will likely result in you not having a GF or wife for very long. It's pretty cheesy. but I really like cheese. Particularly Gouda.

5.Cheers

Sometimes you want to go... where there are no sexual harrassment charges! And the condom machine in the men's room is broken! Yup, I've been to the real "Cheers" and it was kind of a craphole. And an expensive craphole, at that. As a gross aside, I'm always glad I came.

4.The Greatest American Hero

Believe it or not, George isn't at home! Please leave a message, at the beep. I also like how the "hot chick" role is played by Tom Selleck's inbred cousin.

3.Beverly Hills 90210

Say what you will about the narcissistic and shitty personalities on this show, the opening theme kicks ass. My favorite part is probably Brandon's faux arm pump at the beginning that is synched to the percussion. I wish I could do that walking down the street. Like, a cab is coming by and I just whip that arm up and "Duh, duh". Cool.
Did you ever notice there was never a black guy in this show? I guess they were just trying to make it realistic as to how Beverly Hills is in real life.

2.Ducktales

I love this shit, a-woo-hoo! I can hardly think of, a-woo-hoo! A better, a-woo-hoo! Opening TV song, a-woo-hoo! Oh wait... I can.... A-Woo-Hoo!

1.Sanford and Son

Man, Redd Foxx was sah-wheat! If this was put out on a CD tomorrow I would buy it. Or at least download it illegally. I loved this song as a kid and I love it today. Best. Song. Eva.

Any complaints or additions? Please let me know. Now, back to my particle physics and other important work. Like who ended up hotter:Jesse Spano or Kelly Kapowski? This is tough shit.

Best Emails Sent to Rupert Roo

I get a lot of neat emails that provide feedback and inspiration. BTW, if you recognize one of these quotes as something you sent me, either:
1.Thanks a lot, it was great to hear from you OR...

2.Go suck a dick

It should be evident which salutation is intended for you. Here are some of the classics.

1.“I cant believe that your really a doctor. I would never want to see a horribul person like you!”
Would you believe that I’m your 1st grade English teacher? And I’m flunking your dumb ass for such shitty grammar. I don’t know your educational background but your writing rivals mine when I was 12 y/o (and I have samples on this very site to prove it). Besides, I would never want to see a stoopid person like you.

2.“…weird that you tend to focus on the male penis in a lot of your posts.” “…for someone with dick on his mind all the time, I’m starting to think that you’re gay.”
First of all, it’s certainly less weird than if I wrote about the female penis. And secondly, since I am neither extremely happy nor homosexual, I’m not really sure what you mean. I’ve written about how I still laugh at low brow humor like the fart scene in Dumb and Dumber. This amusement does not preclude me from being a straight, intelligent and complex person. Dick jokes will always hold a special place in my heart, and probably in your cock-starved mouth, as well.

3.“That was a pretty gross post. You’re betting that people want to read about a grown man shitting himself?”
Yes, in fact I’ve bet my entire family fortune on http://www.grownmanshitting.com/. Please visit and click on a link, if you can (I get like 1/15th of a penny for every hit). Seriously, I put a disclaimer before all material that is borderline. Beyond that, the onus is on you.


"If you have no critics you'll likely have no success." -Malcolm X

4.“Keep up the good work Rupert. I showed this to my co-worker and we both died laughing.” (This was after my post called “Conversation with a Stripper”, so I’m wondering where these guys worked)

Thanks for the nice email. I’m not used to getting kind praise in my inbox, outside of Facebook comments from friends or family. So this was a pleasant change.

5.“If I see you write the word reta** one more time, I’m going to trace your ISP, go to your home and kick your fucking face in!”
That’s more like it! I’ve gotten very used to this kind of post. It’s my bread and butter, baby.

6.Preface: I’d written something like, 'I’m somewhat afraid to honestly write my thoughts on this subject..etc.' “You should be afraid to write garbage like that. Keep going and see what happens to you.”
Dude, in my brief 30 yrs I’ve broken my neck, been held up at gun point, grabbed a man’s heart in my hand and manually induced beats to keep him alive, gotten knocked unconscious in a fight, entrenched $200,000 in debt, watched Waterworld, witnessed many sick people die right in front of me and had 3 car accidents. An anonymous threat over the Internet doesn’t scare me. Plus I’m like 6’6 and 280 lb. And I know Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

7.“You probably don’t remember me but I think we grew up together. Are you the same Rupert Roo who went to Pisgah High School in Rantkin County?”

Wow! I don’t know what’s more incredible: that someone really did name their kid “Rupert Roo” or that there's a high school called “Pisgah”? Did you attend Pisgah Middle School? If so, did the basketball team and cheerleaders have “PMS” written on the front of their uniform? I couldn’t resist. Honestly, Rupert is not my real name.

Like Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker, I need to protect my loved ones. Unlike them, I do not fight crime and improve society at large. At least not as far as you know. Thanks for writing, including the negative stuff. You guys keep me honest. Please continue to do so.

Cure for Conversion Disorder

Conversion d/o is a medical dilemma. Per DSM IV:”One or more symptoms or deficits are present that affect voluntary motor or sensory function suggestive of a neurologic or other general medical condition” with no known physical cause. In plain English:People present to the ER w/ neurologic complaints (seizures, loss of vision or hearing, lack of sensation in their legs, etc) and after a battery of tests to rule out the really bad stuff like epilepsy, stroke, brain cancer or infection… turns out that the patient is just full of shit.

I’m the kind of guy who really values his time. That Mario Kart Wii isn’t going to play itself. NTM that the workup can be brutal: spinal tap, brain/spine CT and/or MRI, EEG or even nerve conduction tests in addition to all the blood work. The bill for these guys is easily worth a Toyota Prius, and probably a mid-level BMW.

When someone goes to the ER you have to give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re not faking douchebags and take every symptom seriously. But it gets tiring to see 32y/o healthy women come in complaining of “numbness in my left pinky finger” for 3 days.

My friend Dr. Chillburn developed a great method of separating the fakers from the truly ill. Ms X., A 35 y/o Hispanic woman admitted for seizures, was wheeled back to her room after a brain MRI. Chillburn looked at the prelim report w/ me. “Goddamn it! Everything is normal! She’s fucking faking I tell you!” He lamented, paging through The New England Journal of Medicine.

“Yeah, but whatta you gonna do? You can’t just tell someone, ‘Sorry, but you’re crazy and you need a shrink and to stop wasting limited resources that could otherwise be used to help sincerely sick people ?’ That’s not going to fly,” I reasoned. Just then we were hammer-paged by the nurse caring for Ms. X.

“She’s having her seizures again, Doctor!” The nurse explained, with urgency in her voice.

“Ok, let’s get her on her side. I need oxygen and Ativan…let’s do rainbow labs and…” I started the usual grocery list of seizure protocol. Ms. X was writhing around like when Arnold is exposed to the Martian surface during Total Recall.

Dr. Chillburn calmly rolled up his copy of the Journal and emphatically smacked Ms. X across the face w/ it. “NO….. Stop it!! You don’t have epilepsy and you don’t have seizures! This is ridiculous!” Her eyes got big and her jaw was agape. She was shocked and appalled… and she was cured. Ms. X stopped her convulsions immediately. I wonder how much Medicaid will let us bill for that treatment plan?

Why I Like Depressing Movies

Everyone saw Dark Knight this summer. I saw it twice. It was pretty cool. I do enjoy these feel good movies with car chases and love triangles and the good guy gets the girl in the end... Ok, so Batman wasn’t exactly like that. Still it’s become a cliché to say that people like these movies b/c they provide an escape. This begs the question, an escape from what?

I’ll tell you, but please don’t take it personally. These “happy people” movies help you forget about your own miserable life and assuage the challenges of further contemplating the brutal realities of what it means to live in our society and time. It’s been pointed out, most notoriously by Kevin Smith, that The Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars film for the very fact that it’s a series of down notes and that this sequence of events is so real and powerful that it captures life much better than the other movies.

It’s not popular to make such a statement but I’m not here to make friends or get your vote for the PTA. For a lot of people life is a never ending downer in the pursuit of happiness. One continuous losing streak, day after day after day. Working unsociable hours in a job you hate, getting so depressed even your friends hate you, having no love life, no one to comfort you or turn to, and waking up wishing that you hadn't. This is why Dark Knight will always be loved by more people than a biting discussion of nihilism set in a period piece (No Country For Old Men, my favorite movie last yr).

The other huge reason I have an affinity for this brand of cinema is that even if the movie makes you feel a little blue, at least it made you feel something. I watched Dark Knight, Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk this summer. Other than a temporary rise in testosterone, I felt nothing from all 3 of them. And those were actually decent movies. But if they don’t touch you, what’s the point? It’s kind of like having sex with someone who you don’t really like. It feels kind of good right when it happens, but it really doesn’t do anything meaningful for you. And in the long run, you’ll probably regret the experience (unless you sleep with me, of course).

And here is a short clip from the 1998 film Happiness, written and directed by Todd Solondz. They go a little overboard in the movie but it’s still really well done and the acting is remarkable at times.