A Treatise on Douche Negotiation

What do John Lennon, MLK, Gandhi, JFK, RFK and Jesus have in common? Aside from being extremely famous, they were all pacifists. Did I mention that each of them was also murdered horribly? While the Walrus was singing, “Give peace a chance”, an obese nutjob w/ a hardon for Salinger gunned him down in the streets of NY like Sonny Corleone at the toll stop. I find this an especially relevant topic in the age of global terrorism and the nuclear developments of countries in the Middle East. Letting Iran develop an atom bomb is akin to a scantily clad woman going back to Mike Tyson's hotel room after the date; you’re kinda asking for it.

Pacifism seems like a great option. I watch the Miss America Pageant annually (mostly w/ my pants on), and I also wish for world peace. I just don’t see it as overwhelmingly plausible. There have been rare instances in which negotiation did succeed, the Cuban Missile Crisis being most notable; although some scholars state that this encounter further prolonged Vietnam, I’ll take a dozen Nams over a nuke launched at South Beach. MLK and Gandhi did accomplish huge things in their lifetimes. But 1000’s of yrs of human nature trumps extraordinary individual effort. India gained independence from GB but they still get a constant game of atomic “Truth or Dare” w/ Pakistan (and the dare doesn't involve kissing the fat chick). Civil rights have progressed radically in the US, but I bet you won’t take your kids trick-or-treating in Cabrini Green.

Indeed, Mr. Joel: It has always been burning, since the world's been turning. Bad guys exist. You think Darth Vader was based on a dream? That cross-dressing dude who tucked his cock between his legs in Silence of the Lambs was just imagined? People like that live in your city, thankfully in a slim minority. It looks like the Somali pirates will continue to plague the Indian ocean. And I don't mean the cartoonish, Disney robots coaxing a dog to a jail cell w/ a bone. These are bad ass black dudes w/ machine guns. Johnny Depp is not on board.

I maintain that a pacifist is a retrograde, unrealistic pseudointellectual w/ little personal knowledge of actual human nature or history. It’s nice to imagine that you can sit down at a Starbucks w/ one of these despots and change the way that they think. But for all of recorded history that approach hasn’t worked. You think you can change the fundamental way that humans interact?

“Yes we can!”

It’s unfair to judge how Obama will fair before he even takes office. Because the current US wars are so unpopular (thank you CNN and MSNBC) and the GOP looks like tired, out-of-touch Bible beaters (thank you Fox News) more and more people are leaning toward douche negotiation. I hope that Barack maintains an anti-douche negotiation policy, but I am not optimistic. Pacifism is in vogue right now. My generation is truly a generation of pussies (myself included). I remember getting in a fight in the 7th grade and the kid I was about to punch said something like, “My Dad’s a lawyer”! This approach does not work on an international scale.

Neither does pacifism. The ultimate aim is to control someone else’s actions (the aggressor). Ultimately negotiation doesn’t function when you’re dealing with COMPLETE DOUCHES. But douches do respond to action. In fact they are forced to. That’s why they call it force. Look it up in the OED next time you're at the library of Kent State University.

I’m still glad that there are pacifists out there. However the historical examples above paint a similar picture. An eloquent, erudite man preaching tolerance and peace… then the very evil which they describe goes ahead and pulls a Kill Bill on them. If it was me, I’d be giving the speech w/ a Hattori Hanzo sword at my hip.

Even Batman never dealt with douchebaggery of this pedigree. Obama will on day one. I just hope that he doesn't try the same "lawyer" line. Douches don't care about Harvard Law school. Just listen:

“Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.” –Alfred