I would Laugh...

A good friend of mine recently bought a new puppy! She is an 8 wk old Malti-Poo (an ironic suffix, given her primary activity in life) and she’s very cute. As I wait for the laborious credentialing process at the new hospital to finish up, I babysit this doggy. She is great. One afternoon, while waiting for heartworm meds to be filled at a Chicago Petsmart I overheard someone comment: “God, look at that woman with the fur coat while she walks that dog! Makes me want to fucking puke!” Sure enough, there was a 40-something y/o black woman wearing a brown mink coat and holding some kind of terrier. It did seem a bit contradictory, but also funny. Then I thought of an even better prank.

You need a friend who is a large, black man or be one yourself (which precludes my Casper-ass). You dress up in a Michael Vick jersey and take a pit bull into Petsmart. Prepare in advance by applying fake wounds and cuts to your pit bull. Make sure at least one of the wounds is leaking/oozing faux blood. Then walk up to the consumer service desk and ask, “Where do you keep the dog Hemostats? What about sutures, do you have any canine sutures? Anything that will dull a dog’s senses, more specifically, the ability to feel pain? And finally, do you sell cattle prods, water tanks or a small kiln?”

I would just laugh my ass off. No, really:I do think that the look on the employee’s face would cause me to evacuate my bowels. I wonder if Mr. Vick had the foresight to do the same before being sent to the serial butt-rapist wing of the Virginia State Prison.