Best Emails Sent to Rupert Roo

I get a lot of neat emails that provide feedback and inspiration. BTW, if you recognize one of these quotes as something you sent me, either:
1.Thanks a lot, it was great to hear from you OR...

2.Go suck a dick

It should be evident which salutation is intended for you. Here are some of the classics.

1.“I cant believe that your really a doctor. I would never want to see a horribul person like you!”
Would you believe that I’m your 1st grade English teacher? And I’m flunking your dumb ass for such shitty grammar. I don’t know your educational background but your writing rivals mine when I was 12 y/o (and I have samples on this very site to prove it). Besides, I would never want to see a stoopid person like you.

2.“…weird that you tend to focus on the male penis in a lot of your posts.” “…for someone with dick on his mind all the time, I’m starting to think that you’re gay.”
First of all, it’s certainly less weird than if I wrote about the female penis. And secondly, since I am neither extremely happy nor homosexual, I’m not really sure what you mean. I’ve written about how I still laugh at low brow humor like the fart scene in Dumb and Dumber. This amusement does not preclude me from being a straight, intelligent and complex person. Dick jokes will always hold a special place in my heart, and probably in your cock-starved mouth, as well.

3.“That was a pretty gross post. You’re betting that people want to read about a grown man shitting himself?”
Yes, in fact I’ve bet my entire family fortune on http://www.grownmanshitting.com/. Please visit and click on a link, if you can (I get like 1/15th of a penny for every hit). Seriously, I put a disclaimer before all material that is borderline. Beyond that, the onus is on you.


"If you have no critics you'll likely have no success." -Malcolm X

4.“Keep up the good work Rupert. I showed this to my co-worker and we both died laughing.” (This was after my post called “Conversation with a Stripper”, so I’m wondering where these guys worked)

Thanks for the nice email. I’m not used to getting kind praise in my inbox, outside of Facebook comments from friends or family. So this was a pleasant change.

5.“If I see you write the word reta** one more time, I’m going to trace your ISP, go to your home and kick your fucking face in!”
That’s more like it! I’ve gotten very used to this kind of post. It’s my bread and butter, baby.

6.Preface: I’d written something like, 'I’m somewhat afraid to honestly write my thoughts on this subject..etc.' “You should be afraid to write garbage like that. Keep going and see what happens to you.”
Dude, in my brief 30 yrs I’ve broken my neck, been held up at gun point, grabbed a man’s heart in my hand and manually induced beats to keep him alive, gotten knocked unconscious in a fight, entrenched $200,000 in debt, watched Waterworld, witnessed many sick people die right in front of me and had 3 car accidents. An anonymous threat over the Internet doesn’t scare me. Plus I’m like 6’6 and 280 lb. And I know Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

7.“You probably don’t remember me but I think we grew up together. Are you the same Rupert Roo who went to Pisgah High School in Rantkin County?”

Wow! I don’t know what’s more incredible: that someone really did name their kid “Rupert Roo” or that there's a high school called “Pisgah”? Did you attend Pisgah Middle School? If so, did the basketball team and cheerleaders have “PMS” written on the front of their uniform? I couldn’t resist. Honestly, Rupert is not my real name.

Like Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker, I need to protect my loved ones. Unlike them, I do not fight crime and improve society at large. At least not as far as you know. Thanks for writing, including the negative stuff. You guys keep me honest. Please continue to do so.