This Bitch I Knew in Texas

Note:The title for this piece was carefully chosen, so please don’t think that I didn’t consider: “This Woman” or “This Person” as alternatives. Wait until the end b4 you judge.

After 1 month of my medical residency in Texas, I met someone at the pool of the same apt. complex. She was traditionally pretty, blonde and I could tolerate her conversational banter for at least 60 mins at a single stretch. These qualifications alone made her attractive, given my residential desperation. Plus she had this sweet, little Chihuahua who really took a liking to me.

One month later and the deal was sealed. She asked me to go to Austin w/ her for a weekend getaway. I complied and we met up in her parent’s hometown. We went hiking at Round Rock. We even took the dog! Austin was freaking cool. Nice restaurants and chic hangouts… it reminded me of Chicago but w/ a KKK flavor. We rendezvoused w/ her parents at this Caribbean place and I was surprised that her cheap ass Dad didn’t offer to pitch in for any part of the $300 bill.

What also surprised me was my “girlfriend’s” infection w/ describing me as her “doctor boyfriend”. Her Dad even called me “Son” like three times, and I swear to God that I almost punched him in the mouth after the 2nd infraction.

When this horrific dinner was finished we went back to her parent’s house (although I offered twice to get a hotel rm). I admit that I felt awkward banging Little Miss Sunshine in her inaugural bedroom, but I was frustrated and horny. This is never a good combination.
Immediately after climaxing, I heard a hacking, cough-like sound and soon found her Chihuahua licking the pillow next to my head. She exhaled, in post-orgasm satisfaction, and declared: “Oh, is he doing that again?”

Me:"What do you mean?”

Bitch:”Did he vomit all over the place again?”

As soon as she said that, I realized that this sick-ass dog had puked all over my pillow while I was fucking her owner and had resumed licking up said puke. I didn’t wait until the morning. I put my contacts in and left right there.
She objected and insisted that I stay until the am.

Me:”I’m not sleeping next to puke and a bitch”

I wasn’t referring to the dog, and I think that she knew it.

My Online Dating Experiment

The following describes a real online dating experiment performed by me in 2003. I was a broke ass med student and would prowl the Chicago bar scene. Occasionally I approached a young woman, offered to buy her a drink and try to connect with her. I’d keep the talk about me to a minimum and listened. It takes a lot of patience to listen to someone talk about their fascinating career as a desk clerk at The W Hotel. Eventually you learn the right sequence of questions to ask and emotions to fake to convince people that you're an interesting and caring individual.

Me:Wow, you’re a cosmologist?! That is really cool.

Woman:Yeah, I like it.

Me:So you study the origins of the universe and how it relates to mankind’s struggle to find meaning? That is impressive.

Woman:Not really.

Me:It’s a field of philosophy and physics, right? Like Stephen Hawking?

Woman:No. I said that I’m a COSMETOLOGIST. I work the Makeup counter in Nordstroms. Does that Hawkins guy play for the Cubs?

That really happened to me. A coworker showed me “J-Date” which is like eHarmony or Match.com but only for Jews. I had never seen an online dating site before and was instantly intrigued. But I wasn’t enthralled w/ the prospect of finding the perfect Jew for me online, the whole culture of online dating was surreal.

Since J-Date was a pay site, I joined a yahoo.com analogue, b/c apparently I was such a cheap Jew that I couldn’t afford their Hebrew dating service. The null hypothesis for this project was: Money is more impt for a single woman than good looks.

"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger. But she ain't messin' wit no broke Niggaz." -Kanye West

I made one profile of a good looking guy named Troy. He was well-educated and volunteered at a local homeless shelter. He was eloquent and put-together. Troy was looking for true love to start a lasting relationship and one day have a family. He was employed as a social worker for troubled kids and I listed his salary as <$30k.

The other profile was for this ugly bastard who I called Adolf. He was a misogynist w/ no education and halitosis. He inherited millions from his family and was searching for the perfect woman to cook for him and help care for his bed sores and fungal infections that live in between his fat rolls. He was unemployed but worth millions.

Wk after wk I would get emails at both of these accounts from women wanting to meet Troy or Adolf. I realize it’s inherently incorrect to lump all women in one group and draw conclusions based on the results. That’s what I’m going to do anyway.

It seems like women favored good looks over money. I’d caution that if you’re basing major dating decisions on either of these factors, you will probably end up unhappy. Every wk you hear about some new celebrity jerkoff who’s in jail, rehab or dead. And a lot of these celebutards are both attractive AND rich. And they’re still fucked up!

It’s challenging but you have to find out what turns you on and then seek out people who meet that criteria. There’s no other good reason to be w/ someone unless you need a green card. Don’t do it out of loneliness, parental expectations or money. Don’t do it b/c “kids are so cute”, “everyone else my age is married” or b/c you’ve always wanted a wedding. And don’t do it thinking that it will make you happy, b/c if you’re not already happy this isn’t going to work.

Do it b/c the guy makes you feel like the most impt person in the world. Do it b/c you feel like the best version of yourself with him. Do it b/c you’re intoxicatingly, sickeningly crazy about this guy. And if he doesn’t do each of those things every day, fuck him. Or better yet, don’t.

Welcome to Costco, I Love You

That is the line chanted by a mindless, obese greeter at a Costco superstore in the dystopian future as described by Mike Judge in the 2006 film Idiocracy. Judge has appreciated past success with Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill and Office Space. But I bet you didn’t see Office Space at your local AMC 30. You probably rented it yrs after it had been made, just like me. Maybe you saw it on Comedy Central one of the 4 times it’s aired daily. The reason for this is that Office Space was marketed by a group of morons and was a commercial failure at the BO. But the DVD and cable release has shown that this film is truly brilliant, and that critical reception is congruent with my praise.

Similar acclaim was given to Idiocracy. This movie is about the dumbing down of culture and proliferation of morons in society who do little more than procreate. The world of 2505 is shown as a mass commercialized sea of zombies and incompetents. A few of the more memorable lines involves the changing of Carl’s Jr slogan from "Don't Bother Me. I'm Eating." to "Fuck You! I'm Eating!”, handjobs offered at Starbucks and a gigantic Costco that has a law school in it.

Part of the message here is admittedly hackneyed: People on average are very stupid. Show me someone with an IQ of 100, and I’ll show you a stupid, uniformed person. Mass consumerism and neglect of art/culture creates a hollow and not very worthwhile existence. It’s impossible not to sound like a pessimist if one expounds these viewpoints. They also happen to be true. I think that’s what really killed Idiocracy.

First, people don’t want to go to a movie that constantly reminds them of their own stupidity. Additionally the movie scolds people for being superficial, thoughtless puds. The problem there is that being a superficial, thoughtless pud is such a HUGE part of our culture now, so you’re only insulting your core audience here, Mr. Judge.

The second thing I can think is similar to the Office Space story. Just for Judge to get to that boardroom and sit down with the Hollywood execs he has to interact with a multitude of Idiocracy-like people. The Adam Brody character in Thank You for Smoking immediately comes to mind. The whole Hollywood system of screening audiences and test trailers is not tailored for a creative person like Judge. I bet he had to endure lectures from advertising “geniuses” 20 years his junior, and then have the expert at product placement at Fox Studios tell him that you can’t really make fun of a corporate sponsor. Especially when that corporate sponsor is owned by a larger, conglomerate monster corporation that will be paying for the film in the first place (again, 20th Century Fox).

The movie industry itself is filled with these Idiocrats and they continue to make movies for them. The same yr Idiocracy was finally released RV, Flyboys, Basic Instinct 2 and Date Movie were also sent to the theaters. I don’t think that Idiocracy was the best movie of 2006. But it certainly wasn’t the worst. And it definitely deserved better than what it got from Fox.

More Worthy of a Biopic than Biggie Smalls

Admittedly I’m not the hugest fan of rap music. I do dig some of the stuff from the 90’s when I was in high school and undergrad. Now there’s a new Biggie movie coming out called Notorious. I HAVE NOT seen this film and won’t review it here. But I couldn’t help but think that there are probably a lot of other interesting people more deserving of a biographical movie.

Note:If you were born in the last 100yrs and wear a crown not made at Burger King or as a part of a Halloween costume, you're probably a tool.

10.Lance Armstrong:The guy won 7 Tour de France races in a row. He banged Sheryl Crow, ½ of the Olsen twins and Kate Hudson. And he did all of this while being a one-nutted atheist. Makes you feel like a pussy, huh? Wait... did I just write, "Feel like pussy"?

9.Osama bin Laden:Villains are almost always more interesting than the protagonists. And if no one wants to do a straight up bio, they could always put him in some specialty “Gay Midget Bondage Clown” porn just to piss him off. He’s also a multi-millionaire 6’5 brown guy on dialysis w/ 24 siblings who lives in a fucking cave; which must be rare, right?

8.Roman Polanski:Survivor of the Nazi Holocaust. Oscar winning director. Wife and unborn child murdered by the Manson family. Exiled from the US for having sex w/ a 13 y/o girl. I would like to have just one of those things on my resume.

7.Scott Baio:For reasons yet made clear, Chachi has been able to slip it to:Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak, Denise Richards, Nicole Eggert, Heather Locklear, Beverly D’Angelo and countless Playboy playmates. He also slept w/ Jodie Foster and she's been eating at the "Y" ever since.

6.Doris Lessing:Nobel Prize winner for literature and author of some of the smartest books I’ve ever read. Rumor has it that she had a ménage w/ Watson and Crick of DNA fame (That's right! Look at her photo!! Look at it!!!). Her 2nd husband was murdered by Idi Amin in Uganda.

5.Einstein:On all of IMDB I couldn’t find a movie version of Albert that wasn’t played by Yahoo Serious. The guy completely changed science (and the world) and he can’t even get his own movie? This is why things like American Idol exist.

4.Jesse Jackson:I would love to make a Jesse Jackson movie that just shows 90 minutes of various animals squatting and then taking a shit. Parts of it could be slow motion or synched to some of his speeches and then cut to… a goat taking a shit. And then maybe a rhino taking a shit. You get the idea.

3.Kary Mullis:Nobel-prize winning scientist who developed PCR (bet you never heard of him). States that an alien in the form of a talking raccoon told him the initial concept of PCR. He is also heavily into hallucinogenic drugs and surfing. Oh, and he doesn’t believe that HIV causes AIDS.

2.Kurt Cobain:He seemed to have life by the balls and still he chose suicide. His was one of the strongest voices of a generation but he must've had his own demons. Turns out that life has some pretty serious sack, too.

And not to be outdone by Chachi…

1.My skee-ball sized Left testicle: Oh the places you have been, Lefty! To be a fly on the wall of your domicile (my pants) would provide enough material for at least a trilogy, and probably a tetralogy of movies. For more information regarding this selection, email me or inquire at the Venereal Disease and Research Laboratory wing of the CDC in Atlanta, GA.

Sanjay Gupta is Dope

As an American physician I’ve been impressed w/ Dr. Sanjay Gupta. I’ve seen him take flak for standing up to Michael Moore (AKA “fat Goebbels”) and refuting such stupidity as the dangers of current vaccinations & the threat of anthrax as a terrorist weapon. He’s faculty at Grady w/ credentials at Emory. Bottom line is that he a real, practicing doctor. His experience as a field correspondent has honed his already excellent communication skills.

Despite this impressive CV, he wrote a really subpar piece in TIME explaining why he would vote “no” on the legalization of pot. I won’t turn this into a 1st semester in college essay entitled, “Why Pot should be Legalized; What, are you Reta’ded or Something?” although that is what I would call said essay, if I pulled a Sam Beckett and had to put right what once went wrong.

Dr. Gupta correctly displays the medical literature: patients w/ glaucoma, Alzheimer’s or chemo-induced nausea exceed morbidity milestones w/ marijuana. He fails to mention the same benefits in AIDs and cancer patients who suffer from protein and muscle wasting or the college kid who just finished finals and is using book money to buy a Papa Johns Pizza. Pot does help these people. But he further asserts that many who push for legalized pot don’t have these serious medical conditions b/c, “Many of them just want to get stoned legally”.

I don’t need to check w/ Ziggy to see if this one flies. No shit, people want to get high legally! It would be a lot better than having to pull a MacGyver and go all "Top Secret" everytime you want to smoke a jay. My biggest gripe here is that Dr. Gupta begs the question that since smoking pot is bad for you, it should be illegal.

It’s like the lawyer asking the plaintiff, “What did you do after you murdered your wife?” when no one is really sure if this is the man who did the deed. Sure, pot is bad for you. Does that mean it should be illegal? I would argue that pot is much less destructive than tobacco, and certainly less so than alcohol. Heck it’s probably less “bad for you” than half of the McDonalds menu (and I’m a Nuggnut, too).

"Et tu, Sanjay?" -Julius Ceasar (sorta)

Dr. Gupta still seems like the best candidate for the job, but when it comes to politics that’s like winning a Taco Bell contest for “Feces w/ largest circumference”. Smoking is already banned in Chicago, and they are working on an obesity tax in NY. Before you start accusing me of being a bitter, chain-smoking fat ass, I’ll let you know that I am NOT fat (My BMI is 24.95, actually). But when you start taxing Gatorade and Coke for making kids fat…. That’s a little too 1984 for me. And until I finish my Quantum Leap accelerator, there’s not much I can do about it.

New Game Show

For the longest time celebrities have participated on game shows. There’s a great Youtube clip of Salvador Dali on the 1950’s What's My Line? and I remember seeing anyone from Paul Lynde to Tony Danza on Password and $64,000 Pyramid. Game shows are still a big deal, just ask Drew Carrey.

Personally I think a lot of the new ones suck. And the participants must be drunk, high or profoundly retarded to act like such utter assholes over a stupid dining set or Jetski. Deal or No Deal involves about as much skill as Russian Roulette; which would probably be a much more entertaining concept, especially given these dipshit contestants (Think Carrot-Top meets Dane Cook, but MORE annoying). Note:I paused here for 30mins, transfixed w/ the fantasy of watching a Carrot-Top/Dane Cook amalgam taking a bullet a la The Deer Hunter.

Anyway, my idea for a new game show is simple:Celebrity Drinking Games! Every show would be prefaced w/ Gary Coleman chugging a bottle of Southern Comfort, telling everyone to “drink responsibly, Mr. D” and Danny Bonaduce crushing a beer can against his forehead.

There are so many possibilities! Games of skill like beer pong, caps and flip cup! Card games like Circle of Death, Asshole and Screw the Dealer! NTM sweeps week specials like Century club. I figure that if Howie Mandel can have a whole show full of drunken retards, then so can I.

Imagine a weekend of special “rehab guests”:
Matthew Perry and John Daley against Bobby Brown and Robert Downey Jr in a grueling game of quarters? I call Iron Man! I’m telling you, this would be much more interesting to watch than seeing Doogie Howser play the fat, black dude from Transformers in Texas Hold ‘Em. I actually like watching poker on TV. But to watch some washed-up celebutards get drunk and throw down would really be Must-See-TV.

Additionally this would end years of speculation over who can drink the most. Some people say Lohan, Tom Sizemore or Andy Dick. My guess would have to be Gary Busse. He’s the perfect poster boy for that part of
the Venn diagram including the intersection of “drunk” and “retarded”.

The Final Moments of Rupert Roo...

SPOILER:If you’ve never seen the movie The Perfect Storm, serious details are revealed ahead! Additionally, this uses extreme language and is RATED 'R'. Proceed at your own risk.

Not too much on TV at 4am, even w/ Comcastic Video on Demand. I settled on The Perfect Storm, which has a decent soundtrack and good acting from John C. Reilly and William Fichtner. It’s about some East Coast fishermen who seek fortune from a big score (catching lots of fish) during a massive storm that threatens the lives of all on board. Here’s the end of it:They die. The storm causes the boat to capsize and all the men drown to death.

Summary:Guys go fishing, storm comes, storm tips the boat over and everyone dies. That’s about it. The characters are fleshed out a bit but that's the gist of it. And it really happened. The ruggedly handsome captain played by George Clooney was a real dude (only I bet he looked a lot more like Steve Buscemi than Dr. Ross). The only true detail known is that the ship went into a storm and disappeared. The actual boat and all of the bodies were never recovered.

Amazingly the writers of this screenplay determined that there was a shark attack and a stunning rescue of a man thrown overboard. Somehow they were able to fill in the hours and hours of mind-numbing sailing w/ interesting and quasi-complex storylines. But no one really understands what happened. For all they know, those men sailed out to sea to get away from their wives and hold a fierce Guitar Hero tournament.

I told a good friend that if I ever disappeared under mysterious circumstances that this was the most likely scenario:

Rupert Roo was newly released from the hospital after donating a kidney to a dying child when he met up w/ President Obama for sushi. During his hospitalization, Rupert had drafted a peace plan for the Middle East, learned to reverse global warming and mastered cold fusion. Later he met up w/ Scarlett Johansson and Salma Hayek. During a furious ménage a trois, Rupert (now w/ only one kidney) suffered a severe, anoxic event upon achieving full erection of his torrid, 24" penis. In an altered mental state from lack of blood flow and oxygen to his brain, Roo left the 2 women in post-multiple orgasm catatonia and stumbled outside. He staggered to Lake Michigan in a stupor and walked into the water, never to be heard from or seen again.

To which my friend replied:

Rupert Roo spent a night at his favorite club The Manhole, when he abruptly left the hotspot w/ suspicious scuff marks on his knees and watery eyes. He stabbed a homeless man in the throat on the way to his smack dealer when he remembered that it was his turn at the Gloryhole. This was no club, it was an actual gloryhole. After 2-3 hours of straight skull-fucking (actually, gay skull-fucking), the neurosyphilis that had been festering since he raped his first young boy during a grade school sleepover, kicked in. This infection caused acute confusion. In an altered state he stood up, wiped the most recent batch of jizz from his hair and marched his raging 2" boner into Lake Michigan, never to be heard from or seen again.

Which version do you think would make a better film, assuming I could get Mark Wahlberg to play the ‘Rupert’ character?

I Got a Freaking Shamwow for Christmas!

Of all the thoughtful presents I received this yr, ShamWow is my most coveted. I plan on knitting 2 of them together to make a Giant, Super Shamwow that I will use to dry myself every day. I will never need another towel for as long as I live! After tearing open the package I quickly spilled a glass of Merlot. It was like I ordered a $10, crack-whore prostitute and Heidi Klum shows up at the door. Talk about exceeding expectations! Bottom line is that Shamwow works great.

Which brings me to my newest product obsession: The Snuggie! Here is a quick clip of this piece of advertising genius.

It’s a blanket… with sleeves. That’s right: a blanket w/ sleeves. That’s it. The creative minds behind this concept are really targeting that segment of the population who finds it too inconvenient to lift your arm above a blanket, perform a random task (answer your cell phone, use the TV remote, etc.) and then reinsert said arm beneath the warmth of the blanket. Sadly, this is probably a larger demographic than I imagine.

The creators must also know that the Snuggie looks really stupid. It reminds me of the Jedi cloaks worn by Palpatine and Anakin in the latest Star Wars film. The ad is quick to counter that Snuggies are “Available in 3 colors”! If they offered it in white and provided a pointy hat, the Snuggie would be quite the attention getter. “Great outdoors! Great at KKK meetings”!


And the other stocking stuffer I’m excited about: The Tiddy Bear!

Not much to say about this, except they keep repeating the name “Tiddy Bear” when they show a closeup shot of some woman’s breasts. I thought that this was a joke but the phone number is real and you can seriously buy them online. Who wouldn’t want a nice set of Tiddies?