My Online Dating Experiment

The following describes a real online dating experiment performed by me in 2003. I was a broke ass med student and would prowl the Chicago bar scene. Occasionally I approached a young woman, offered to buy her a drink and try to connect with her. I’d keep the talk about me to a minimum and listened. It takes a lot of patience to listen to someone talk about their fascinating career as a desk clerk at The W Hotel. Eventually you learn the right sequence of questions to ask and emotions to fake to convince people that you're an interesting and caring individual.

Me:Wow, you’re a cosmologist?! That is really cool.

Woman:Yeah, I like it.

Me:So you study the origins of the universe and how it relates to mankind’s struggle to find meaning? That is impressive.

Woman:Not really.

Me:It’s a field of philosophy and physics, right? Like Stephen Hawking?

Woman:No. I said that I’m a COSMETOLOGIST. I work the Makeup counter in Nordstroms. Does that Hawkins guy play for the Cubs?

That really happened to me. A coworker showed me “J-Date” which is like eHarmony or Match.com but only for Jews. I had never seen an online dating site before and was instantly intrigued. But I wasn’t enthralled w/ the prospect of finding the perfect Jew for me online, the whole culture of online dating was surreal.

Since J-Date was a pay site, I joined a yahoo.com analogue, b/c apparently I was such a cheap Jew that I couldn’t afford their Hebrew dating service. The null hypothesis for this project was: Money is more impt for a single woman than good looks.

"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger. But she ain't messin' wit no broke Niggaz." -Kanye West

I made one profile of a good looking guy named Troy. He was well-educated and volunteered at a local homeless shelter. He was eloquent and put-together. Troy was looking for true love to start a lasting relationship and one day have a family. He was employed as a social worker for troubled kids and I listed his salary as <$30k.

The other profile was for this ugly bastard who I called Adolf. He was a misogynist w/ no education and halitosis. He inherited millions from his family and was searching for the perfect woman to cook for him and help care for his bed sores and fungal infections that live in between his fat rolls. He was unemployed but worth millions.

Wk after wk I would get emails at both of these accounts from women wanting to meet Troy or Adolf. I realize it’s inherently incorrect to lump all women in one group and draw conclusions based on the results. That’s what I’m going to do anyway.

It seems like women favored good looks over money. I’d caution that if you’re basing major dating decisions on either of these factors, you will probably end up unhappy. Every wk you hear about some new celebrity jerkoff who’s in jail, rehab or dead. And a lot of these celebutards are both attractive AND rich. And they’re still fucked up!

It’s challenging but you have to find out what turns you on and then seek out people who meet that criteria. There’s no other good reason to be w/ someone unless you need a green card. Don’t do it out of loneliness, parental expectations or money. Don’t do it b/c “kids are so cute”, “everyone else my age is married” or b/c you’ve always wanted a wedding. And don’t do it thinking that it will make you happy, b/c if you’re not already happy this isn’t going to work.

Do it b/c the guy makes you feel like the most impt person in the world. Do it b/c you feel like the best version of yourself with him. Do it b/c you’re intoxicatingly, sickeningly crazy about this guy. And if he doesn’t do each of those things every day, fuck him. Or better yet, don’t.