More Worthy of a Biopic than Biggie Smalls

Admittedly I’m not the hugest fan of rap music. I do dig some of the stuff from the 90’s when I was in high school and undergrad. Now there’s a new Biggie movie coming out called Notorious. I HAVE NOT seen this film and won’t review it here. But I couldn’t help but think that there are probably a lot of other interesting people more deserving of a biographical movie.

Note:If you were born in the last 100yrs and wear a crown not made at Burger King or as a part of a Halloween costume, you're probably a tool.

10.Lance Armstrong:The guy won 7 Tour de France races in a row. He banged Sheryl Crow, ½ of the Olsen twins and Kate Hudson. And he did all of this while being a one-nutted atheist. Makes you feel like a pussy, huh? Wait... did I just write, "Feel like pussy"?

9.Osama bin Laden:Villains are almost always more interesting than the protagonists. And if no one wants to do a straight up bio, they could always put him in some specialty “Gay Midget Bondage Clown” porn just to piss him off. He’s also a multi-millionaire 6’5 brown guy on dialysis w/ 24 siblings who lives in a fucking cave; which must be rare, right?

8.Roman Polanski:Survivor of the Nazi Holocaust. Oscar winning director. Wife and unborn child murdered by the Manson family. Exiled from the US for having sex w/ a 13 y/o girl. I would like to have just one of those things on my resume.

7.Scott Baio:For reasons yet made clear, Chachi has been able to slip it to:Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak, Denise Richards, Nicole Eggert, Heather Locklear, Beverly D’Angelo and countless Playboy playmates. He also slept w/ Jodie Foster and she's been eating at the "Y" ever since.

6.Doris Lessing:Nobel Prize winner for literature and author of some of the smartest books I’ve ever read. Rumor has it that she had a ménage w/ Watson and Crick of DNA fame (That's right! Look at her photo!! Look at it!!!). Her 2nd husband was murdered by Idi Amin in Uganda.

5.Einstein:On all of IMDB I couldn’t find a movie version of Albert that wasn’t played by Yahoo Serious. The guy completely changed science (and the world) and he can’t even get his own movie? This is why things like American Idol exist.

4.Jesse Jackson:I would love to make a Jesse Jackson movie that just shows 90 minutes of various animals squatting and then taking a shit. Parts of it could be slow motion or synched to some of his speeches and then cut to… a goat taking a shit. And then maybe a rhino taking a shit. You get the idea.

3.Kary Mullis:Nobel-prize winning scientist who developed PCR (bet you never heard of him). States that an alien in the form of a talking raccoon told him the initial concept of PCR. He is also heavily into hallucinogenic drugs and surfing. Oh, and he doesn’t believe that HIV causes AIDS.

2.Kurt Cobain:He seemed to have life by the balls and still he chose suicide. His was one of the strongest voices of a generation but he must've had his own demons. Turns out that life has some pretty serious sack, too.

And not to be outdone by Chachi…

1.My skee-ball sized Left testicle: Oh the places you have been, Lefty! To be a fly on the wall of your domicile (my pants) would provide enough material for at least a trilogy, and probably a tetralogy of movies. For more information regarding this selection, email me or inquire at the Venereal Disease and Research Laboratory wing of the CDC in Atlanta, GA.