This really happened 5/21 at Carson’s in Chicago

Eating dinner at a local Chicago BBQ it dawns on me that I should probably wash my hands, particularly because I’m famished for some of this restaurant’s famous ribs. I decide to take a piss even though I don’t really have to do so urgently. Portly men on both sides flank me. Despite being the unfortunate successor of the dreaded “middle stall” I split the Continental Divide and do my business. As was my original intent, I retreat to the sink (which is in surprisingly decent condition) and wash my hands. Being the courteous person I am, I leave the warm water running for the other 2 men as I dry my hands. The first leaves without bothering to even zip up his fly. The second is close behind him. The water is still running. I’m as surprised by their haste as much as their negligence to person hygiene. This surprise is compounded by a 3rd man who makes his entrance by flushing a toilet in the adjacent stall and again, walking by me. Dejected and dismayed, I turn off the water, being sure to use the towel as a barrier between my hand and the control valve. Again I use the same towel so as to not touch the handle on the door as I make my exit.

By the time I reach the main dining room I can recognize for certain 2 of the 3 men from the restroom seated at their respective tables. They are both fitted with plastic bibs and hungrily dive into stacks of ribs dripping with BBQ sauce. The fatter man licks the grease and residual BBQ sauce from each finger. He was the one shitting in the stall next to me only moments earlier. I go back to my table and let my family know that I’m no longer hungry.

Indiana Jones and my Cauldron of Apprehension Part II

Note:This is a continuation of the last post wherein I was dissecting the cause of my disillusionment with the new Indiana Jones movie.

2.Society has changed:
It seems premature to say but things have changed a lot since the 80’s. Other than the obvious things like war, technology or the price of gas I’ll focus more on tastes. The #1 rated show is "American Idol" and Titanic swept the Oscars. The most popular musicians aren’t in fact musicians, but attractive, young people who are marketed and made to sound as though they can sing. In short: A lot of the media today sucks. And I know that each successive generation makes this stake (many times being accurate, I claim), but this conclusion is impossible NOT to make. On this assumption I do think that the decreased attention span of today’s youth will work against Indy. Also the supposed lack of CGI effects in favor of in-studio stunts will also hurt the overall reception. Finally, there is no “hot chick” character a la Megan Fox in Transformers. Is society ready for this genre again after being spoon fed Die Hard sequels, National Treasure and other tripe?

3.The creators have changed:

First is Lucas and I only need to reiterate the earlier complaints of Star Wars. Clearly something is missing from this man’s creative core. Something was there and now, “Poof”, it’s gone. The dialogue in the prequels is only quotable when referred to in a mocking or sardonic matter. The original trilogy had, “You will be…. You wiiiiill be”, “Only a master of evil, Darth “ and “I find your lack of faith disturbing” (basically anything said by Vader). There is nothing even comparable in the prequels. I could continue on this path but I think the point is clear. As for Spielberg, he has done some good things since Crusade, but far too often he directed films like Minority Report, AI, Jurassic Park II, War of the Worlds and Hook. If the new Indy flick is anything like those movies, there certainly will be a twist ending: people asking for refunds. I won’t assess the reasons why these wunderkinds of yesteryear have lost their spark, I just know that they have lost it. Maybe it’s nearing the last 30 yrs of your life, having kids that are almost full grown or just plain laziness/lack or energy; these men have clearly lost a step since the 80’s.

It's probably some combo of all 3 factors that creates this ambivalence I feel toward Indiana Jones. I'll still see the movie, probably more than once. In that case, here's to hoping everything I wrote over the past couple of days is complete bullshit.

Indiana Jones and my Cauldron of Apprehension Part I

For one night in the mid-80’s I was an archeologist, college professor, treasure hunter and overall adventure-seeking badass. I was Indiana Jones for Halloween in 1987. Cheap, pseudo-leather jacket, fake Fedora and even stubble painted on my face. My parents wouldn’t let me have the bullwhip; I won’t forget to mention that fact. And it was a cool costume. In 1989 I was a few years older when Last Crusade came out and didn’t fail to deliver.

Now a new Indiana Jones movie hits the theaters and things are very different. I am unable to determine whether the change is in me, society itself or the Lucas/Spielberg amalgam (who I envision as a bearded version of “Two-Bad” from He-man swimming in Scrooge McDuck’s money bin). So I’d like to examine each of these very real possibilities:

1.I have changed: I’m nearly 30 years old and I don’t believe in fairy tales. That being said, a lot of the same people who loved the originals were kids when the films first aired. Would these fans have loved the movies if they were seen as young adults? I hate to make this comparison but it’s inevitable given the parties at hand: The Star Wars prequels are almost universally regarded as inferior to the original films. I won’t elaborate any further so as to avoid nasty emails or such. But the humor, acting and cultural references in the new Star Wars films made the movie seem childish and simple. Maybe that was part of the genius in the originals that I loved so much as a kid. When one of those CGI camels farts or Jar Jar calls something, “Poo-doo” in an off-key, squeaky voice, maybe the 7 year old facsimile of me would laugh instead of cringe. I am fairly sure that this is not the case, if anything because the Indy films are much more adult in nature. Of course there are serious topics in Star Wars: Father-son dynamics, gambling debts and the occasional hand chopped off. But the Indiana Jones list seems much more adult: Knowing that Jehovah starts with the letter “I” in Latin, chilled monkey brains, and let’s not forget the Nazis. Indiana Jones fought the fricking Nazis. It doesn’t get much more grown up than Hitler, does it? Plus Jones never lifted a leg, squinted and ripped a fart while in the “Well of Souls”. I am fairly confident that if I saw Indiana Jones today I would probably be more critical of the stunts (calculating the angle of descent for one of those rides on the whip) but would still thoroughly enjoy the film. I’ll analyze the other 2 factors of the equation, society and the Lucas-Spielberg amalgam, in the consequent installation of Roo.

Into the Wild

I just saw this 2007 film and it moved me in an unexpected way. For the record this is not intended as a review per se but will likely resemble one by the end, as is the nature of my prose. If you didn’t see the film it had some early buzz with director Sean Penn and lead Emile Hirsch, NTM a haunting soundtrack provided by Eddie Vedder. It’s about a clever, upper-middle class college grad in conflict with what he perceives as “evil” in the world and forsakes all his material possessions (including a hefty trust fund) for travel and the open road as he nomadically hops from locale to locale. He eventually embarks on his “Great Alaskan Journey” as he heads north in Thoreau-like fashion to go “Into the Wild” and live off the land, away from society.

Of course the film has soft themes and sub-plots that provide substance to this tale. For example the narrator in the film is his sister, played by Jena Malone, who along with his parents he has abandoned without so much as a phone call in over a year. His justification for such a selfish and thoughtless demeanor is his goal of enlightenment, which he believes can only come via separation from society and the constructs built within it.

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SPOILERS ahead if you care to see this film. 1.This whole thing REALLY happened. 2.The main character (the student) was found DEAD, presumably from starvation weeks later by moose hunters.

Other than these hunters telling of how his decomposing corpse resembled, no one really knows what he did for the 119 days he lived out there in the wilderness. He kept a crude journal, mostly devoid of empiric facts and instead consisting of introversion and his personal philosophies. So how the hell did Sean Penn stretch that into 2.5 hrs of film? The film goes so far as to suggest he was accidentally poisoned by some local flora he ingested in an attempt to fend off starvation, despite no such evidence found on autopsy or botanical survey of the plants in question (by university PhDs, nonetheless).

In addition the movie never talks about how he was 20 miles from a town with a doctor that might’ve saved him. Or that he didn’t even bring a magnetic compass or map. Or that he was an inexperienced hunter, never trained to use a gun. Or that…sigh. I can see how it’s easy to canonize the dead, or feel empathy for those who are gone. I certainly felt that way by the dénouement. But at the end of it all, he was a spoiled, too-smart for the world kid who went to the forest with little food, water or training and ended up dying slowly from starvation. I do feel empathy for this man and what he endured. The story made me sad. I just don’t think that’s someone to look up to.

Breaking up the band...

A bum. I never would've guessed it but I am a 29 year old bum. After spending the past 11 years in college, medical school and residency it all cumulates in me mastering Guitar Hero on my friend's leather couch at 4am fueled only by White Castles, Pabst Blue Ribbon and my own gray determination to avoid productivity in this world. I won't try to explain why I'm here or the course that has delivered me. But I'm trying to get things back in order. More structured and more 'normal'. People often say to not worry about being normal and to just be yourself. And while being "me" has proven virtuosity at the use of a plastic, faux guitar I need to grow up.

I know many who swear that they'll never grow up. I commend them on their efforts but eventually it'd be nice to own a home. Or go on a vacation to Europe. Kids don't do shit like that, at least not without their parents money; and at 29 it's way past starting to sound pathetic. For the sake of redundancy; I do need to grow up.

It's not original to state the distinction between maturation and growing up, but just for the taste of it: I like cartoons. I eat Lucky Charms and Count Chocula. I wear a mitt to baseball games. I like "toilet humor" and will laugh if someone farts. I play video games, but not obsessively (aside from Guitar Hero, as noted above). I like the movie "The Goonies".

These proclivities are not likely to change. But I do need to start being more responsible. So this is largely cathartic for me. I need to put down this stupid, black guitar with the multi-colored buttons and complete the paper work for my medical license. I used to be a really good doctor, it hasn't even been a year. And I'm still a good doctor, only now I can play "Welcome to the Jungle" on Expert mode and absolutely crush the solo.