Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Final Moments of Rupert Roo...

SPOILER:If you’ve never seen the movie The Perfect Storm, serious details are revealed ahead! Additionally, this uses extreme language and is RATED 'R'. Proceed at your own risk.

Not too much on TV at 4am, even w/ Comcastic Video on Demand. I settled on The Perfect Storm, which has a decent soundtrack and good acting from John C. Reilly and William Fichtner. It’s about some East Coast fishermen who seek fortune from a big score (catching lots of fish) during a massive storm that threatens the lives of all on board. Here’s the end of it:They die. The storm causes the boat to capsize and all the men drown to death.

Summary:Guys go fishing, storm comes, storm tips the boat over and everyone dies. That’s about it. The characters are fleshed out a bit but that's the gist of it. And it really happened. The ruggedly handsome captain played by George Clooney was a real dude (only I bet he looked a lot more like Steve Buscemi than Dr. Ross). The only true detail known is that the ship went into a storm and disappeared. The actual boat and all of the bodies were never recovered.

Amazingly the writers of this screenplay determined that there was a shark attack and a stunning rescue of a man thrown overboard. Somehow they were able to fill in the hours and hours of mind-numbing sailing w/ interesting and quasi-complex storylines. But no one really understands what happened. For all they know, those men sailed out to sea to get away from their wives and hold a fierce Guitar Hero tournament.

I told a good friend that if I ever disappeared under mysterious circumstances that this was the most likely scenario:

Rupert Roo was newly released from the hospital after donating a kidney to a dying child when he met up w/ President Obama for sushi. During his hospitalization, Rupert had drafted a peace plan for the Middle East, learned to reverse global warming and mastered cold fusion. Later he met up w/ Scarlett Johansson and Salma Hayek. During a furious ménage a trois, Rupert (now w/ only one kidney) suffered a severe, anoxic event upon achieving full erection of his torrid, 24" penis. In an altered mental state from lack of blood flow and oxygen to his brain, Roo left the 2 women in post-multiple orgasm catatonia and stumbled outside. He staggered to Lake Michigan in a stupor and walked into the water, never to be heard from or seen again.

To which my friend replied:

Rupert Roo spent a night at his favorite club The Manhole, when he abruptly left the hotspot w/ suspicious scuff marks on his knees and watery eyes. He stabbed a homeless man in the throat on the way to his smack dealer when he remembered that it was his turn at the Gloryhole. This was no club, it was an actual gloryhole. After 2-3 hours of straight skull-fucking (actually, gay skull-fucking), the neurosyphilis that had been festering since he raped his first young boy during a grade school sleepover, kicked in. This infection caused acute confusion. In an altered state he stood up, wiped the most recent batch of jizz from his hair and marched his raging 2" boner into Lake Michigan, never to be heard from or seen again.

Which version do you think would make a better film, assuming I could get Mark Wahlberg to play the ‘Rupert’ character?

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