Jessica Simpson is a Hungry, Fat Pig

Note:The following is an interview w/ that sweltering hog Jessica Simpson.

Me:Ms. Simpson, good to meet you. I’m glad you could find time b/w feedings to sit down and talk w/ me. And speaking of sitting down…Don’t worry about that chair; it’s titanium reinforced.

JS:Thank goodness! I was afraid that my massive, bloated 120lb frame would crush it.

Me:You know why you’re here. The media has published a series of new photos that show how you’ve transformed into a fetid, bovine slob.

JS:It is so embarrassing! I usually maintain a 1200cal/day diet, but recently pushed it up to 1800.

Me:How will this affect your film career?

JS:I’m not marketable as the beautiful, brainless object of men’s masturbatory fantasies. No longer can a guy use me as a mental image to get them to climax while they fuck their unattractive wife.

Me:But it has opened up some new doors, right?

JS:Exactly; there’s a spot for me in the upcoming Norbit sequel. And in a Dukes of Hazzard follow-up I will not be playing Daisy Duke, but rather Boss Hogg.

Me:You have many defenders saying that the new pics are the consequence of a bad outfit, crappy lighting and low angle shots….

JS:Wishful thinking. My BMI has ballooned from 16 up to 21. Sniffs I’m now a size 4. It’s.. starts to cry It’s really very sad!

Me:passing her some Kleenex It’s ok.. Would you like a Hostess cupcake or Krispie Kreme to ease the pain of your morbid obesity?

JS:No thanks, I’ve recently started cutting myself to fulfill that role.

Me:That sounds healthy. I know this must be difficult for you. When did you first notice this immense weight gain?

JS:I’m a 28y/o healthy woman and one day I just start bleeding from my vagina! Turns out that this happens to many obese women and is called “a period”. I was so upset.

Me:That must’ve been scary and disgusting.

JS:Like finding a hair in the 4oz Dannon Light yogurt cup I binge on for dinner.

Me:In closing; What’s next for Jessica Simpson?

JS:I pledge to my critics that I will get back to my pre-fatass form. I will return to a double digit weight.

Me:And by ‘critics’ you must mean overly judgmental assholes that prefer woman who have the body of a 13y/o boy.

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Jessica Simpson is not fat. I can’t be any clearer. It’s true that her contemporaries range from severely underweight to Auschwitz thin. But using that distorted scale to judge her is a dick move.

What's more- I am revolted by Simpson and find her to be the talentless antithesis of intelligence. But I defend her on this one. There’s something to be said about staying fit and not turning into the amorphous blob shape that now defines the American physique. I contend that those super skinny people are just as gross as the mega-obese. Proof: no one in the history of mankind has ever jerked off to Karen Carpenter.

On the topic of jerking off, my patience is running thin w/ these anorexic actresses. I love ribs w/ BBQ sauce and slaw, but seeing you when you wear a bikini is quite the boner shrinker. And given what I have to work with, shrinkage is one thing I cannot afford.

Celebutard Lookalikes

As much as I deplore America's obsession w/ celebrity, it's impossible not to notice the profound effect these "superstars" have on our culture. Until it starts to be cool to master quantum physics or it's hip to care about your community these are the movers and shakers of our world. Here's a quick compilation of some lookalikes that I found to be amusing (in no particular order).

1.David Archuleta and Mon Chi Chi

Yes, I know that American Idol is about as bad as it gets. Truthfully I haven't watched the show since Clay "I swear I'm straight" Aiken and Ruben "I'm so fat that I was named after a fucking sandwich" Studdard. And boy, how that show has blossomed into a beautiful turd sandwich. I don't really know who this kid is, but he lost to some other douche who was also named David. I predict that this guy will make his royal exit from the closet around 2011.

2.William Balfour and Eddie Murphy's Buckwheat

In case you don't know, William Balfour is the guy awaiting trial for the murder of 3 people in Jennifer Hudson's family. I'm not defending what Don Imus said a while back, but if the phrase "nappy-headed" was ever used appropriately, I think that this would have to be that single instance. And I have no idea if this guy is a "Ho" or not, but since he's going to jail I hope he can maintain an "Oh Tay" grip onto a bar of soap while showering.

3.Brian Williams and Guy Smiley

It's like they designed a muppet specifically for Brian! I also don't think it's a coincidence that Brian Williams has this much in common with what amounts to be a decorated sock. If I had to be a muppet, I think I would choose Animal. Since I can't even master drums on the "Hard" difficulty setting of Rock Band, this is not a very likely scenario.

4.Amy Winehouse and Jim Cameron's Alien

Holy shit, where do I start? I'm not too experienced w/ her music but it must be fan-fucking-tastic. I make this claim knowing that she definitely did NOT sleep her way to the top. No one convinced her that giving the studio execs a hummer might increase air time. I imagine it'd be like inserting your dick into an acid bath, only without the wet, albeit caustic, lubrication that said bath would naturally provide. Amy Winehouse looks on the outside how Jessica Simpson must feel on the inside. And that's fucking scary.

5.Einstein and this cute Pug

I think that pugs are just adorable. But I don't like how their tails are like curled up in the air so that their buttholes are on constant display for all onlookers. When I wake up and flip on CNN and I'm eating an eggo waffle in bed... I really don't want to look at your dirty, wrinkled butthole. Having never seen Einstein's butthole myself, I will not comment on that orifice.

6.Stan Van Gundy and Ron Jeremy

Who do you think would flinch first if a stranger yelled out to them, "Take it to the hole!"? My bet is on the Hedgehog. I also think that they look a lot like Mario (from the Nintendo games).

7.Bruce Villanch and Sweetums
I usually don't advocate ripping on someone just for being fat, unattractive and flaming. And I will continue this behavior here, b/c the main reason I don't like Bruce is that he's not funny and yet he purports to be a comedian. Other than be on Hollywood Squares what did this guy ever accomplish or create? That's right: YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, Bruce. If you don't like that then sue me you cocklick... and earn your first dollar in 7 years.

8.Robert Downey Jr, Jeffery Dean Morgan and Anton Chigurh

I know that JDM had a brief stint on the crap cake known as Grey's Anatomy but he's also got a part in the upcoming Watchmen, which I predict will be ginormous. They look comically like archetype personalities. Downey is the boy band version, Morgan is for young professionals, and Chigurh is for sociopathic murderers who slaughter their victims with a cattle gun. Guess which one is my favorite?

9.Ricky Williams and Predator

Tackle me, I'm here! Do it! Do it now! Tackle me! Come on! I'm here!

10.Hillary Duff and Jenna Jameson

Same eyes and cheeks. Probably a different strain of chlamydia, however.

11.Sam Waterson and Alf

Just for once on Law and Order, I would love for Mr. Waterson to start waxing poetic about life on Melmac, his bloodthirst for cats or just a random, "I kill me!" during a cross examination.

I actually have a ton more of these in my head but I am too lazy to look for evidence (pics) right now. Feel free to add your own or email me w/ suggestions. This will probably be my last post before Christmas. Whatever your belief system, I wish you the best this year and hope you have a great holiday with your family and friends. Unless you are my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me near the end of college. If by some odd chance you are reading this I hope that you get Super AIDS and die over a prolonged and painful hospital course from an opportunistic infection. Just to be clear:Best of luck to everyone unless you're that chick who cheated on me and then I wish for you to get Super AIDS. Merry Christmas everyone (except that one chick)!