Jessica Simpson is a Hungry, Fat Pig

Note:The following is an interview w/ that sweltering hog Jessica Simpson.

Me:Ms. Simpson, good to meet you. I’m glad you could find time b/w feedings to sit down and talk w/ me. And speaking of sitting down…Don’t worry about that chair; it’s titanium reinforced.

JS:Thank goodness! I was afraid that my massive, bloated 120lb frame would crush it.

Me:You know why you’re here. The media has published a series of new photos that show how you’ve transformed into a fetid, bovine slob.

JS:It is so embarrassing! I usually maintain a 1200cal/day diet, but recently pushed it up to 1800.

Me:How will this affect your film career?

JS:I’m not marketable as the beautiful, brainless object of men’s masturbatory fantasies. No longer can a guy use me as a mental image to get them to climax while they fuck their unattractive wife.

Me:But it has opened up some new doors, right?

JS:Exactly; there’s a spot for me in the upcoming Norbit sequel. And in a Dukes of Hazzard follow-up I will not be playing Daisy Duke, but rather Boss Hogg.

Me:You have many defenders saying that the new pics are the consequence of a bad outfit, crappy lighting and low angle shots….

JS:Wishful thinking. My BMI has ballooned from 16 up to 21. Sniffs I’m now a size 4. It’s.. starts to cry It’s really very sad!

Me:passing her some Kleenex It’s ok.. Would you like a Hostess cupcake or Krispie Kreme to ease the pain of your morbid obesity?

JS:No thanks, I’ve recently started cutting myself to fulfill that role.

Me:That sounds healthy. I know this must be difficult for you. When did you first notice this immense weight gain?

JS:I’m a 28y/o healthy woman and one day I just start bleeding from my vagina! Turns out that this happens to many obese women and is called “a period”. I was so upset.

Me:That must’ve been scary and disgusting.

JS:Like finding a hair in the 4oz Dannon Light yogurt cup I binge on for dinner.

Me:In closing; What’s next for Jessica Simpson?

JS:I pledge to my critics that I will get back to my pre-fatass form. I will return to a double digit weight.

Me:And by ‘critics’ you must mean overly judgmental assholes that prefer woman who have the body of a 13y/o boy.

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Jessica Simpson is not fat. I can’t be any clearer. It’s true that her contemporaries range from severely underweight to Auschwitz thin. But using that distorted scale to judge her is a dick move.

What's more- I am revolted by Simpson and find her to be the talentless antithesis of intelligence. But I defend her on this one. There’s something to be said about staying fit and not turning into the amorphous blob shape that now defines the American physique. I contend that those super skinny people are just as gross as the mega-obese. Proof: no one in the history of mankind has ever jerked off to Karen Carpenter.

On the topic of jerking off, my patience is running thin w/ these anorexic actresses. I love ribs w/ BBQ sauce and slaw, but seeing you when you wear a bikini is quite the boner shrinker. And given what I have to work with, shrinkage is one thing I cannot afford.

Anderson Cooper v. Dina Lohan

On a recent episode of Live with Regis and Kelly, Anderson Cooper stood in for Regis. I actually watched a 1 hr TV special about Cooper’s life, which if you don’t know has got some really interesting material. To start he’s one of the heirs to the Vanderbilt fortune which means he’s part of one of the richest families in the world. He graduated from Yale and was a member of a skull and bones-type secret society. Additionally he looked his 23-year old brother in the face as the troubled youth jumped to his death off the 14 story New York penthouse in a successful suicide (although it’s hard to apply the word successful to something like that). I didn’t say it was all roses.

Getting off track here. The main thing I wanted to post was this brief rant he went on about America’s favorite little Firecrotch Lindsey Lohan and her messed up family. I’ll try to post a link to the streaming video here, but here’s a rough transcript of what was said (KR is Ripa and AC is Cooper).
Edit:Here's a decent copy of this interaction. Not the best sound quality but man.. comedy gold!

http://nz.youtube.com/watch?v=KJNToPNPMWM

AC:Living Lohan is just a train wreck. And, and, I watched if for a while and I finally said to myself, “I cannot believe I’m wasting a minute of my life watching these horrific people”. Brief break here and then...

AC:Living Lohan is just atrocious. I mean, these people, Do you know about these people? I didn’t know anything about these people. Apparently they’re quite well known.

KR:Right. Right. OK, Ok. Yeah, right. Right, right.

AC:And uh. There’s one, Lindsey Lohan, who is apparently quite famous for doing all sorts of things. She’s not even in the show. So somehow her mother got a show in which, because of this person who’s not even on the show.

KR:Right, so they, do they refer to her, I mean, they refer to-

AC:They constantly refer to this person who’s never seen on the show. So, I guess people are hoping maybe this other person, Lindsey, is gonna show up. But until then we’re stuck with these horrific people. And they, there’s this uh, perfectly nice, seeming, allegedly a 14 year old girl. Looks to be about 60. But-LAUGHTER

KR:Right, right.

AC:Uhh. Who is… No, I say that with concern and love. And, she, allegedly wants to be a singer and/or actor, slash performer of some sort.

KR:OK.

AC: Strip tease person, I don’t know.

KR:Right.

AC:And I don’t that she actually has sung-

KR:I’ve met... I’ve met her. No, I’ve met the, I’ve met the little, but she was a little girl when I met her.

AC:Right. And she seems perfectly nice and I feel bad for her. But at 14 she’s you know? She’s out there. Like her mom is like, “All right! Go out there. You’re a singer! Be a star!”.

KR:Right. Well, it's that, uh. I think it's. The- You know, they’re obviously a multi-talented family.

AC can’t help but start to laugh at this next assertion.

KR:The kids sing and they perform. And they’ve been in the-

AC:Yeah. All right, no. Hey, sure. I,uh. Maybe that’s in the episode I didn’t see.

I know it doesn’t take much to attack a sitting target like the Lohan family. But the relaxed way that he spoke about them and the specific adjectives he used to describe these people were priceless. Atrocious and horrific. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I am Tiger Woods...NO! I am Batman.

If you’ve seen The Dark Knight as many times as I have (I won’t state the exact #, but it starts with an “F” and rhymes with “whore”) you probably qualify to be my date to the “Biggest Nerd of the Year” ceremony at Comic-Con. I don’t want to review the film here, although I clearly enjoyed it if I deemed it worthy of repeat viewings. Yes, I liked Dark Knight. It certainly has it’s flaws, and more than nitpicking ones, but overall I think it’s the best Batman movie, and probably one of the best superhero movies. Summary:It’s one of the best. Ever.

Which is the same way I feel about Tiger Woods. Again, I won’t elaborate much on why I think Tiger is the best golfer and one of the best athletes of all time. Unless you’ve lived under the proverbial rock for the past decade, you surely must have heard of Eldrick Woods (Eldrick? That name belongs at Comic-Con, too). Again, a brief recap: Tiger wins or comes close to winning almost every time he competes. He consistently surpasses everyone in an international community of one of the most challenging individual sports that exists. So Woods is the best and Dark Knight is the best; who gives a damn? Apparently a lot of people.

And most of these people cared long before a frame of celluloid was shot in downtown Chicago, posing again as modern day Gotham. The build up surrounding the sequel to Batman Begins was immense. The Tim Burton version created a reliable fanbase. Even though Joel Schumaker tried to destroy this loyal group, they held steadfast until Nolan’s attempt with Christian Bale as the caped crusader. Begins was huge itself and the public impatiently waited for a followup.

Slowly minor plot points were leaked that merely whet the appetites of fans. When nerds like me learned the Joker was the main villain, I didn’t need Internet porn for 3wks. And when girls learned that dreamy Heath Ledger would play the clown prince, the media fluttered briskly. The tragic passing of Mr. Ledger only intensified this anticipation. Anonymous sources and Hollywood insiders cited an “Oscar-worthy” performance from the fallen actor. There was no way Dark Knight could live up to this kind of hype. But to use the Joker’s line to Batman following a melee in the streets of Gotham that included the coolest Mack truck stunt I’ve ever seen, “..you didn’t disappoint”.

Similarly, a 22 y/o Tiger won the 1997 Masters by a record 12 strokes. Even before this feat he was celebrated as the greatest golfer of his generation and given a $60million endorsement package from Nike and Titleist…. and he hadn’t played in a single major yet. The pressure that these two entities must’ve endured is stunning.

Part of my admiration for these 2 fixtures is that the media does such a shit-ass job at promoting things in a conscionable/reasonable fashion. Whether it’s a presidential candidate who’s the 2nd coming of Christ or the new Coldplay tracks they compare to “The White Album”, the cable TV, radio and Internet morons are the ones reporting these stories in frantic hyperbole. They are the ones who describe every new pitcher as the next Roger Clemens and every new movie as The Godfather. Tiger Woods and Dark Knight are 2 recent times in my life when the content-free and overall heartless media machine was actually right about something. I won’t soon forget it.

Just like I won’t forget Brian Bosworth or Ryan Leaf. Just like I won’t forget Ishtar or Battlefield Earth. The newest Batman movie and Tiger remind me that every now and then the real deal is even more spectacular than the superlatives. And for a brief second, my faith in that top 2-3% of humankind is again restored. That is until I stumble upon America’s Got Talent or the newest shitty morning show starring Kelly Ripa and Whoopi Goldberg.