Advertising Reality Each Morning

According to marketing guru Seth Grodin, the fundamental theorem of advertising is that, “perception trumps reality”. I spent the last 3 days reading his book called All Marketers Are Liars and I really enjoyed it. Many people in medicine become so entrenched in their field that it’s challenging to have a discussion with them about anything other than their patients. I see myself possessing these same deficiencies and have tried to make myself a more well-rounded individual. I’m sure lawyers disproportionately talk about their cases, teachers about students and mechanics about cars. One difference: No one but doctors are doing their job >120hrs a wk. This monolithic saturation of ideas can be uniquely overpowering in medicine.

That is why I read a book about marketing; a field in which I am completely clueless. That and I really liked the 2nd season of Mad Men. Grodin has some great ideas and I wanted to apply that energy to an area near and dear to me: kid’s breakfast cereal. I know I’m not the only 30 y/o with a graduate degree who spends mornings reading Proust while choosing between Cocoa Pebbles or Count Chocula, right? Those catchy jingles from the 80’s are with me to the grave. I was raised on sugary, high-calorie breakfast cereal. The stuff that would turn the milk brown. That regimen combined with daily Cherry Cokes w/ Happy Meals and it’s a wonder I’m not a huge, fat ass today (Thank god for tapeworms).

My preadolescent, parasite-ridden body aside, I wanted to attempt interpreting what marketers are trying to make children think about their products while giving examples for each assertion. Some of these should be familiar.

“How can anybody be enlightened? Truth is, after all, so poorly lit.” –Geddy Lee


1.This shit is so good that others will steal in order to attain it
This is a very common thread in the biz. The Cookie Crisp Crook is always trying to steal a bowl of that cookie goodness. Trix the Rabbit is told repeatedly that his favorite food is most certainly not for him, but he tries again and again to obtain it. The Lucky Charms Leprechaun faces a similar dilemma as kids constantly try to steal his only means of sustenance. The same school of thought created the infamous Hamburglar for McDonalds, one of the geniuses in marketing to America’s youth.

2.This shit is so good that others have gone crazy in pursuit of it
I’m not sure if presenting a food product as being the choice of the mentally ill is the best route to take, but it sure works for Sonny and his Cocoa Puffs. I’d also question the mental health of Woody Woodpecker and the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chefs.

3.The use of appealing, often singing, spokesmen (AKA:you will be attractive if you have this shit)
There are lots of cute, cuddly characters to choose from here. Most notable are Snap, Crackle and Pop and the California Raisins. I also file Tony the Tiger and that colorful Toucan Sam under this category. This approach is tantamount to a skin care ad with Hayden Panitie… uhh.. the jail bait girl from Heroes. Using good looking people to sell something is pretty much the oldest trick in the book. I’m also grouping celebrity endorsement under this section as I remember eating cereals labeled Star Wars, Mr. T, Gremlins and Ghostbusters, NTM countless athletes on the cover of Wheaties.

4.People are willing to fight to protect this shit
Similar to #1, except the product advocate is protecting said item instead of stealing it themselves. Military man Cap’N Crunch valiantly battled the Soggies in a critical campaign. More comically, Buzzbee defended Cheerios and Digg’Em did the same thing for Honey Smacks.

5.Only cool people use this shit
Snoopy’s Joe Cool has been used to sell Cheerios. Same concept for his cross-species cousin, the Sugar Bear. Incidentally, Chester Cheetah was derived from the same formula.

There are lots of great cereal spokesmen I missed, but they would probably fit into one of the above categories. An entirely different article could be based on their slogans b/c what these cartoons are saying is equally contributive to their total gestalt. The message of this gestalt is overwhelming:You need this shit!!! In a world in which sympathetic feelings based on irrational “wants” doesn’t match up well w/ real world “needs”, this plan of attack works very well. Telling the truth about their crappy, processed cereal does not. A fact-based, honest description of the food they’re selling would be a losing business model no matter how many Disney characters were put on the cover.

Telling the truth doesn’t work on a large scale. The truth is often blurred or altogether distorted. You’d like to think that simple marketing tricks wouldn’t work on adults but of course you’d be wrong. It’d be nice if advertising lies and making impossible promises about a product wouldn’t work on grownups, although it happens every day. Sometimes buyer’s remorse can mean more than feeling like a chump the next day. With that I’m going to get back to feeding my tapeworm some Frankenberry and perusing the exit polls on CNN.COM.