Awesome Commercials

I spent this past Sunday watching football, playing poker and grilling w/ a couple of great friends. Pretty nice, eh? And since my recent experiences w/ the Bears have been more disappointing than the times I wake up alone in my Star Wars sheets after a sex dream about Jessica Alba, I was much more focused on the commercials than football.

Here’s a brief overview of my favs from Sunday. By “favs” I mean “commercials that make me pray for cancer”.

1.Coors Lite and “venting”
The idea here is a pun on the word “vent” meaning A.to express one’s thoughts forcefully or B.to air out by means of an outlet or opening(like on the top of a beer can). The only way these definitions relate to beer is choice B. Instead of selling Coors Lite on great flavor or low carbs the new strategy is:“We have a bigger hole in our can than any of our competitors. Other beers may have less calories or not taste like donkey piss… but come on! Ours has a bigger hole in the can!” It’s like they’re not even trying.

2.Shamwow!
For those unfamiliar w/ Shamwow, it’s a set of towels that can absorb like 10x the liquid of normal paper towels. The ad is quick to remind you that, “They’re made in Germany! You know the Germans make good stuff”. Yeah… German tanks, pistols and giant ovens that are so big you could even fit a human body inside! My favorite part of the ad is when the spokesman says, “You’re gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels anyway!” Really? Maybe if you’re the Brady Bunch. Or if you live with Chunk from Goonies, and he’s constantly dropping shit all over your carpet. I still desperately want Shamwow for Christmas. Many can attest that I have the spatio-temporal coordination of a pot-smoking chimpanzee and will often spill large glasses of wine or grape Kool Aid (depending on the time of day).


3.Pretty much any drug marketed directly to the public
As a doctor I find these to be deplorable. I like the Lunesta ad (sleeping pill, like Ambien) where, in the litany of side effects it states: “Lunesta may make you drowsy”. It’s a fucking sleeping pill, I should hope so! Drug companies have done a ton of good over the yrs, but seeing these ads makes me want to overdose on Lunesta.

4.The animal relief ads that play Sara McLachlan's "Angel"
For those of you who think I can be callous, I can’t get through this one without tearing up a bit. Especially when they show the dog that only has 1 eye, holy shit. It’s an effective ad, but really depressing. Now I actually do feel like downing a 6 pack of Coors Lite, they should piggyback these ads.

5.Terrible political spots
I wish I had a prime example to post here but my laziness has overcome me. Nearly all of these ads are horrible: “Dick Durbin is a dried up, stinky, dick licker. He will rape your daughter and convert your family to Islam. He voted 90% of the time to pass resolutions that would require you to kiss his taint. Dick Durbin wants to kick your pet and then, uhh… force your son to be gay and marry the neighbor’s boy. He’s also a Packers fan!” These must work b/c they keep getting made. PS, I really don’t like Dick Durbin.

6.Cadillac perv commercials
Dr. Montgomery (Kate Walsh) from Grey’s Anatomy asks you something like, “When you turn your car on… does it return the favor?” Then the camera pans to her stripper-grade high heels pressing down on the acceleration pedal. I understand that they’re trying to make a Cadillac appear more youthful and sexy. Walsh does have a very MILFy air about her. But the only people I know that buy new Cadillacs are the Medicare patients who beg me for Viagra scripts. GM must really take their consumer base to be sex-starved to fall for this one.

7.Smelly nuts campaign
Planters has an ad featuring a generally unattractive woman who rubs peanuts on her neck and wrists as though it were fine perfume. Of course all the men she encounters are quickly smitten. The underlying message here is: “Straight men love the sweet scent of nuts. If given the option, the average man would gladly bury his face in nuts and take a deeeep inhale”. Gay undertones aside, this marketing plan could’ve had potential in the reverse. Put an attractive, but clearly slutty celebrity (Paris, J. Lo, Lohan, etc) in the ad and have a guy rubbing Planters all over himself. Next Paris Hilton throws her Skeletor-like body on the nut-smelling stranger. Then the message of, “Paris Hilton loves the smell of your nuts” would be both comical and accurate.

For the record, I think Paris Hilton looks like the Geico lizard.