Scary Movies aren’t Very Scary, Right?

I don’t consider myself to be a particularly brave person. I am not fearless and it’s not as though I don’t worry. Quite the opposite, I worry all the time. But I don’t worry about being taken into an alley and getting stabbed by a recently escaped homicidal maniac. I have been held up by gun point 1 block from my Chicago apartment (In Boystown, nonetheless). That guy had my wallet so fast, I had to reconsider that the speed of light was actually constant. That did suck. But I don’t worry about Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhies.

If there’s a loud noise or a large figure suddenly jumps out in front of me, I may flinch. It’s probably a normal part of growing up to become less scared of things like that. Which amazes me, because a lot of adults find movies like Saw to be frightening. One of the most mature things a human can do is to accept their own mortality and the ephemeral nature of your own existence. We are all going to die eventually and that inevitability doesn’t startle me.

I’m much more terrified of other parts of life. I’m afraid I might die alone and never have my own family. I’m afraid that I’ll outlive all my friends and have to endure an existence without them. I’m afraid that all the cigarettes I’ve smoked will catch up with me one day (lung cancer can be pretty drawn out, actually). But I’m not afraid of Jigsaw or Pinhead. My girlfriend has a morbid fear of clowns, dolls or freaky ventriloquist’s dummies. As a 180lb man, why the hell would I ever be afraid of Chucky? Again, this isn’t written with false machismo. I really am just not afraid of that stuff. The thought that someone I love could be gone instantly, in a car crash tomorrow, is a lot more real to me.

Not all Muslims are Terrorists

But it sure does seem like a lot of terrorists are connected with extremist, Muslim fundamentalists who buy into the concept of Jihad. And that really sucks. I know that people say, “Well, look at Timothy McVeigh. He was about as white-bread American as they come. Or those pricks over in Ireland who were car bombing people every week”? Truth be told, McVeigh slipped through the cracks. I don’t subscribe to any form of organized religion, so please don’t think I’m being apologetic toward Christians out of personal bias. But one thing that the Western world does a lot better than most places is keep track of the crazy bastards.

Everyone saw what happened in Waco, TX in 1993. Most of the terrorist stories in the US have headlines that include words like, “planned”, “plotted”, “thwarted” and “suspected”. The main reason is that the US is hypervigilant about these SOBs. Personally I think this is a good approach. Knock on wood, nothing major has happened since 9/11. But you can be sure that plenty of people have been investigated or arrested.

As a quick tangent, I am not going to entertain the delusion that Bush/Cheney or the US in general, be considered a terrorist organization. If you really believe that than you have big issues. Freedom is certainly not free and many people have already sacrificed so you have the right to even consider such a thought.

Here is a list of groups recognized as terrorists by the US Dept of State:
1. Abu Nidal Organization (ANO)
2. Abu Sayyaf Group
3. Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade
4. Ansar al-Islam
5. Armed Islamic Group (GIA)
6. Asbat al-Ansar
7. Aum Shinrikyo
8. Basque Fatherland and Liberty (ETA)
9. Communist Party of the Philippines/New People's Army (CPP/NPA)
10. Continuity Irish Republican Army
11. Gama’a al-Islamiyya (Islamic Group)
12. HAMAS (Islamic Resistance Movement)
13. Harakat ul-Mujahidin (HUM)
14. Hizballah (Party of God)
15. Islamic Jihad Group
16. Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan (IMU)
17. Jaish-e-Mohammed (JEM) (Army of Mohammed)
18. Jemaah Islamiya organization (JI)
19. al-Jihad (Egyptian Islamic Jihad)
20. Kahane Chai (Kach)
21. Kongra-Gel (KGK, formerly Kurdistan Workers' Party, PKK, KADEK)
22. Lashkar-e Tayyiba (LT) (Army of the Righteous)
23. Lashkar i Jhangvi
24. Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE)
25. Libyan Islamic Fighting Group (LIFG)
26. Moroccan Islamic Combatant Group (GICM)
27. Mujahedin-e Khalq Organization (MEK)
28. National Liberation Army (ELN)
29. Palestine Liberation Front (PLF)
30. Palestinian Islamic Jihad (PIJ)
31. Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLF)
32. PFLP-General Command (PFLP-GC)
33. Tanzim Qa'idat al-Jihad fi Bilad al-Rafidayn (QJBR) (al-Qaida in Iraq) (formerly Jama'at al-Tawhid wa'al-Jihad, JTJ, al-Zarqawi Network)
34. al-Qa’ida
35. al-Qaida in the Islamic Maghreb (formerly GSPC)
36. Real IRA
37. Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC)
38. Revolutionary Nuclei (formerly ELA)
39. Revolutionary Organization 17 November
40. Revolutionary People’s Liberation Party/Front (DHKP/C)
41. Shining Path (Sendero Luminoso, SL)
42. United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia (AUC)

Now if you discount the Islamic radicals, socialists and Marxists, all you’re really left with is a bunch of pissed off Irishmen who haven’t really been active in over 10 yrs. We’re all intelligent people (you found this blog, didn’t you?) and can imagine what this Venn diagram will look like. Sure there are over 1 billion Muslims in the world and most all of them will be as normal as it gets. But if you look at the circle that includes dangerous terrorists… Islam has won that Monopoly game and put hotels on every fricking property.

I don’t have a solution. But some of the responsibility has to be on the countries where these individuals are born and raised. Problem is that these countries in South America and the Middle East don’t place the same importance on counter-terrorism as the US. This will need to change. Because if the US ever retaliates, there won’t be any country for them to fix after the fact.

For all the bad things that the current administration has endured and partially caused for the past 8 yrs, your personal safety has really taken priority. People take that kind of thing for granted until it’s challenged. It’s only a matter of time before another one of these guys slips through the cracks. You can hope and pray to Jehovah, Jesus or Mohammed that it doesn’t happen, but reason dictates that it will. And remember that as much as you pray to your God that nothing terrible happens, they are praying to Allah (or their fucked up distortion of Allah) just as much that something does.

Naming your Baby

If you’re a close friend of mine you probably know that I am a new Uncle. My sis gave birth to a healthy baby girl on 10/21. This was planned well in advance and the parents knew the gender before the fact. Still the list of names that my sister had compiled was startling to my eyes:

1.Bianca
2.Jenna
3.Brianna
4.Bly
5.Chloe
I should’ve stopped right there, but I kept on going, hoping things would improve…

6.Celeste
7.Thrista
8.Cali/Kali (Wasn't that the name of the diety worshipped by the Thuggee cult in Temple of Doom?)
This is where I first gave pause.

“How exactly did you pick out these names?” I asked my sister.
“I got this great baby name book and it tells you the language of origin and what the original meaning is or if there’s a Christian translation and-“
“Porno. That’s the language of origin here. You’ve picked out porno names for your baby girl. You want to do some research? Go to Google Image and type in any of these names and see what kind of pictures you get. And make sure you turn the ‘SafeSearch’ option ‘off’. I dare you!”

That’s almost verbatim how our convo went. Please note, I wasn’t angry or getting upset. If anything, I thought it was kind of funny that my sister was designing a life of snorting coke off of another chick’s ass for my new niece. A life of saline-filled breasts and making “special arrangements” to pay the rent. But I do hear that weather in the San Fernando Valley can be quite nice.

“Regard your good name as the richest jewel you can possibly be possessed of…” -Socrates


9.Kianna
10.Madison
11.Asia (Yes, this was REALLY on the list)
12.Savannah
If your baby girl shares one of these monikers, then I apologize. Sure, it’s possible that one day Dr. Hooty McBoob and Tits McGee, PhD may share a Nobel prize in Medicine. I just don’t think that it’s too likely.

13.Hope
14.Charity
15.Faith (the holy triumvirate of vague, philosophical ideals)
I do believe that if you look for something with enough dilligence, you will find it. So maybe my filthy mind is just looking for something perverse in all of this mess. But if that list had contained one “Kate” or “Elizabeth” or even “Ashley” I wouldn’t be this compulsive about the ordeal.

16.Peri
17.[insert name of any planet from the solar system except “Earth” and “Pluto”]
18.Dru
19.Bailey
20.Saffron
When I was a teenager a lot of cool kids wanted to rebel by dressing like bums and having a generally unkempt appearance. After a few months of this behavior, 25% of the school fit that same description. Which also explains why there were tons of kids named Ryan, Jordan and Brett from my gen. Their parents were trying to be original to the point of being uncreative bastards. My name, Rupert, used to be quite common. But almost no one I meet is named Rupert these days. It’s kinda retro and coming back into style now, like skinny ties, jean jackets and aviator glasses.

If you want to name your kid something original try this:”Bonerbiter Jr”. I guarantee you that nothing will come up on Google Images for that one. Plus Dad won’t need to worry about overaggressive boys trying to date little Bonerbiter Jr. in High School… I think they’ll keep a safe distance. In the end it’s a choice that my sis and her husband need to make and my jurisdiction as Uncle is far from involved. And when my niece is old enough to talk and asks me who she was named after, I have a surfeit of options in .mpeg or .avi format with which to provide an answer.

Wikipedia Kicks Ass

I know it’s not the most decorated resource. As a physician, I would never use Wikipedia to confirm medication dosage or surgical indications. But there’s so much cool shit on Wikipedia, I just wanted to give a quick sample of my amazement.

1.A chickenhead is a slang term for someone who performs fellatio. The term originated in African-American sexual slang and gained popularity through use in hip-hop, notably the 2001 single Chickenhead by Project Pat.

2.When Carol Yager died in 1994 at the age of 34, she weighed about 1200 lbs (544 kg), and was 5' 7" (170 cm) in height. It was reported that she was estimated to be more than 5' wide.

3.Humphrey Bogart’s last words, spoken 1/14/57 were, “I never should have switched from Scotch to Martinis.”

4.The Oreo cookie is commonly used with gays as an ingredient or adornment for other foods.

5.The central edifice of Olympus Mons stands 27 kilometers (around 16.7 miles/approx. 88,580 ft) high above the mean surface level of Mars (about three times the elevation of Mount Everest above sea level and 2.6 times the height of Mauna Kea above its base).

6.Bukkake is the noun form of the Japanese verb bukkakeru (打っ掛ける, to dash [water]), and means simply "splash".

7.February 19th is Narconon Day. This holiday celebrates the 1966 creation of Narconon, which seeks to cure drug addiction by administering Scientology's Purification Rundown and various "training routines".

8.Malawi's capital is Lilongwe, and its commercial center and largest city is Blantyre with a population of over 500,000 people.

9.The ancient Romans used urine as a bleaching agent for cleaning clothes and teeth.

10.(About Albert Camus) On the subject of his belief or not in God, he writes in the third volume of his notebooks: "I do not believe in God and I am not an atheist."

If I had Wikipedia (or the Internet at all, really) when I was in high school I probably would’ve figured out cold fusion by now. As things stand I can’t even successfully complete a sodoku puzzle and my vocabulary is somewhere in between the “cousin Geri” character on The Facts of Life and a well trained ape. Where else in the world can you find the origin of the word "bukkake" and the capital of Malawi all in one place? Wikipedia, I bow down to thee. I am not worthy. And due to your absence during my primary education I’m not very smart, either.

The Realization that You are Not Special

Growing up my parents and teachers led me to believe that I could be anything. I guess that means they all did a good job. As I turn 30 this month, I wanted to write about a number of things that I will never do but secretly fantasized about while I was still a kid. I didn’t just come up with this list now, it’s been jumping around in my head for some time. But since I am nearing that inevitable mid-life crisis that is bound to hit around 2019, I thought I’d brush it off again.

List of Things I always wanted to do but now realize I never will:
1.Hit a homerun out of Wrigley Field
2.Make out with Brooke Shields
3.Be the President of the United States
4.Be the President of anything other than a Quantum Leap fan fiction club
5.Slam dunk a basketball
6.Consume 30 White Castle hamburgers in a single sitting
7.Meet Jesse Jackson and call him “n-word” to his face and then run like hell
8.Be asked to guest star on The Muppet Show
9.Perform in a band with Eric Clapton playing lead guitar
10.Successfully navigate through an asteroid field, despite the odds being 3,720:1

Lofty goals, I know, but at some point in my youth I thought I would get to do all of them. The file in my mind is much longer. Some of the remaining items (not listed) are actually doable. I can run a marathon. Shit, I ran almost 20miles this summer before fucking up my knee. I could be on Jeopardy and win a true Daily Double. I can be published in Science, you never know! One day I might beat “Dragon Force” on Guitar Hero. And last time I checked Jesse Jackson still lives in Chicago, so look out for #7.

To the Guy who Brought a Monkey to the Palin Rally

1.I am neither Dem or GOP, just so that’s clear. Honestly, I think that Obama will be a terrible president. But McCain will suck just as hard. Plus they’re both liars.
2.I think that an adult man has every right to walk around town with an “Obama” sticker attached to a Curious George doll. It’s not against the law to carry around a stuffed monkey toy (in fact, I would pay $1000 to see him do that on the South side of Chicago).


Just a little tip though: You’re not inspiring confidence in your candidate by doing this. To most people you look like the stereotypical, dumbass bigot from Arkansas who has made the GOP so unpopular and cringe worthy recently. You are actually hurting your own agenda by engaging in this behavior. It’s how Bill Cosby must feel if he listened to Gangsta Rap; you’re only reinforcing the generalization that you and the people with whom you associate are huge, gaping assholes.

Now some might’ve seen this video and laughed a little bit. I do think that racial humor has potential to be awesome. Anyone who has seen Chapelle Show or any Chris Rock comedy will probably acquiesce. There’s a scene in Blazing Saddles, where the exchange between the sheriff and an old woman is:



Bart:Good mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly Woman:Up yours, nigger.


Yeah, they used the “n-word”. Mel Brooks has had some shining moments in the history of comedy. But this isn’t a Hollywood farce. No one is using “The Schwartz” or singing “Puttin’ on the Ritz” with Frankenstein. It can be humorous but will do little to help a nation burdened with a financial crisis, 2 wars, a looming energy disaster and failed health care system. The events that take place over the next few wks will probably impact your life greatly. If you’re an old bastard like the dick in the Youtube clip, you may not expect to make it another 4yrs. Seeing as I have a solid 30-40 more left, I encourage you to look at the view points that the candidates advocate and decide for yourself what’s best for your family and the country at large. Which is why I’m throwing my vote away for the Libertarian choice, Bob Barr, just like I voted Libertarian in the last 2 elections. I just can’t see myself voting for Oldy McBush or a freaking monkey.

Soulmates is a Stupid Idea

The concept that there is one person through all of time and geography that is “perfect” for you is incredibly implausible. No one knows the exact number of humans who have lived and died since the species became legit some 50k yrs ago. There are only educated guesses. Experts postulate anywhere from 13 to 50 billion. So lets low ball it and go with the 13 bill.

Your odds of winning the IL lotto are like 1 in 14 million. Roughly half of the humans are the opposite sex, so this discussion will not include bisexuals (sorry) and go with the low figure of 6.5billion potential mates. Mathematically you are 215 times more likely to win the lotto than to find your mate within this pool of individuals. The odds are more likely that the Cubs will win the next 4 World Series assuming 1:100 risk at preseason. You wanna bet me with those numbers, I promise to keep the juice low?!

"To be stupid and selfish and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."

-Gustave Flaubert

Most likely there is someone alive somewhere who is a better match for you than the person that you are with. A better listener, a better lover and a better friend. I’m not saying that you aren’t genuinely happy and that you shouldn’t be with your wife or husband. As much as you “can just tell” that you’re with your soul mate.. you are not. I know you can feel it, whatever ‘it” is, although I’m betting that “it” is a manifestation of your personal insecurities, wishful thinking and psychological barf bags filled with intimate and serious puke. Just don’t throw around that word, “soulmate”, as if it has any credence or power outside of chick flicks, Valentine’s Day or Disney. There’s probably someone living in China or India right now who loves you very much who you'll never, ever meet.

Karaoke & Cliff Diving & Beautiful Women

This post can be found in entirety at: http://rupertroo.blogspot.com/
An old friend from med school I’d not seen since graduation was recently in Chicago. We met at a suburban dive to share stories from our respective residencies and a few drinks. We also shared our enjoyment of mediocre bar Karaoke. Everything from Journey and Aerosmith to New Kids on the Block were explored. We weren’t very good. But we weren’t terrible, either. And it was fun. No animals were hurt. As per my diet I didn’t drink anything alcoholic, and was surprised that I still had a really fun time. More surprising was that other bar patrons did not wish to participate in Karaoke. I spoke briefly with a few people at our table and no one gave very convincing answers as to why they didn’t want to try it.

One person said, “I don’t think it’ll be fun”. That was the best response I heard and seemed reasonable. However most, I suspect, were just scared. Scared of “looking stupid” or “sounding bad”. Both phrases would’ve accurately described not only my earlier Karaoke performances, but also large parts of my adolescence and adulthood. Perhaps it’s an inherent human trait or maybe a societal construct that’s been engraved into everyone’s psyche since birth, but most people are afraid of looking stupid in front of complete strangers.

I don’t want to look like an ass in front of my boss at work. And I don’t want to appear stupid in front of my parents. But to a bunch of people at a bar who you’ll never see again? I don’t care if they thought I was Kevin Federline. I know I’m better than that.

The same principle applies when approaching an attractive person of the opposite sex (or same, given your taste). It’s natural to harbor feelings of pressure or doubt even if you’re the most confident man in the world. These feelings should not prevent you from talking to her. The lonely but clever and handsome guy waiting for a beautiful woman to approach him is a guy for whom I have no sympathy. Grow a pair and try to connect with this person; she could be fascinating! Much like the people at that crappy bar listening to everyone else sing, most guys sit there with their 3rd gin and tonic, mutter something that’s witty only to them and leave alone. Other than high frequency masturbation statistics, this behavior contributes little to the world. Personal experience has taught me this fact. I’ve also learned a way to overcome this barrier.

It first occurred to me in 1998 when I was living in Houston for a summer. Some friends took me cliff diving one day. I’d never done this before and was rightfully petrified. The rocks on the edge of the precipice were not made of styrofoam, and when I stared down over the 50ft drop I swear I felt my balls reascend into my pelvis. One of my friends jumped first and he did ok. Then the next and he was alive as well. As I slowly stepped up to the edge I was more and more inclined not to jump. The fear of death was palpable. My friend joked to me, “Run as fast as you can and when you get to the edge you’ll have to jump!”

That plan seemed as good as any. And given that my balls were no longer an external organ, I would pick up considerable speed due to aerodynamics. I closed my eyes, wiped the dense sweat from my brow and began to run. I sprinted toward the cliff and soon realized that I was running way too fast to stop. I was pot committed. I was jumping. And I did it. The instant I hit the water below a rush overcame me. I’ve never used drugs like coke or heroin, but this jump was one of the best natural highs I’ve ever felt that didn’t involve sex. To think I would’ve never known this feeling if I had pussed out, like every functional instinct in my body told me to do.

That’s what makes this comparison so sad. Humans aren’t supposed to jump off cliffs. It’s normal to be scared of this and to feel apprehensive about hurling your body off of a frigging cliff. There’s real, physical danger involved, it’s fucking tangible. But initiating a conversation with someone you think could be interesting? Singing a song when you don’t even know the lyrics just because you like the melody? Aren’t these things part of life? Aren’t they part of the human experience? Benign, hopefully positive interactions with our surroundings shouldn’t be as painful as jumping off a cliff.

People who know me can attest that talking to beautiful women and Karaoke are not my strong suites, although I have improved at both drastically over the years. At least now I don’t have to close my eyes and run my ass off before I talk to a pretty girl at a bar.

Disgusting Gym Story... Kinda Funny

This post can be found in entirety at: http://rupertroo.blogspot.com/
I’m a member of one of the most luxurious “athletic clubs” in the Chicago suburbs. One might think that the exorbitant monthly bill would decrease the odds of depraved and gross people from joining this gym…. Wrong!

There are many nauseating stories to tell. There was the time I walked into the steam room to find an elderly man lying on the floor totally naked with his hairy, wrinkled ass staring up at me. I swear that for a moment, he winked at me. Or take the middle-aged woman with a BMI of 60, who could’ve won the award for “World’s Most Inappropriately Revealing Leotard”, who was working out on every machine that I was going to use next. She was sure to leave a full body sweat mark on each station in her wake that she repeatedly never wiped down. I get chills just remembering that one. No, I think that this one beats them all out:


“The depth of your depravity sickens me”
–Jerry Falwell (Class A-1 Asshole per 2008 UAA Standards)

I walked toward the pocket of lockers where mine was located when I noticed an obstacle blocking my space. In front of me was a large (pushing 3 bills, easily) Asian man bent over as if he was touching his toes. He was displaying his ass and coin purse to me, in all it’s shining glory. His twigs and berries were lost somewhere in the depths of the cavernous stretch marks of his massive thighs. Initially repulsed, I regrouped and tried to circumvent his large, portly frame. Realizing that his immense body would not allow such a maneuver I was about to politely ask him to step aside when I realized that he was actually drying himself off.

He proceeded to move the white, cotton towel up his legs until he reached his groin. Next he began to use the towel as butt floss as he used this back-and-forth motion to dry off his taint. The Asian man did this butt-flossing routine for about 5 seconds. When he stopped he looked down at the towel to find it was now a light shade of brown. He paused and shrugged his shoulders in a “Geez, how’d that happen?” kind of way and proceeded as if nothing unusual had just occurred. I swiftly walked out of the locker room, trying desperately to suppress my gag reflex.

Why People Venerate Music from Youth

Note:This entry can be found in entirety athttp://rupertroo.blogspot.com/
Ever notice how your oldest relatives swear that Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby have the best singing voices? Your parents think that the Beatles and Stones are the greatest bands ever. Your older siblings insist that the music of the 70’s like Zeppelin, Queen and CCR is the greatest. I happen to adore all of these artists. But it’s hard for me to not label them as somehow “dated” in my mind. I can’t help it. I was born in 1978.

I spent ’92-96 in high school. So it should be no surprise that I canonize STP, Pearl Jam and Nirvana above all else holy to me. To preface: I realize that not everyone engages in this practice. I have many friends in their 30’s who actively seek out new music on a near daily basis and always look to expand their tastes. I’ve tried doing that same thing w/ limited success. I’ve found it hard to convince myself that any of this current stuff is better than the ACDC I first heard in my youth. Another note is that this effect can work retroactively. Using a previous example, I was first introduced to the Beatles when I was about 12 y/o. So for me, it’s as if A Hard Day’s Night was initially released in 1990.

I’m writing this under the initial premise that this phenomenon is real and exists. I don’t aim to convince anyone otherwise. But psychologists at Duke have studied this effect and have already termed it, “the Reminiscence bump”. Assuming that this premise is true, why does it exist? Here are a few reasons, but I have nothing concrete.

First shot is the idea that the teenage years are a very intense, revolutionary time for most people. The media and film culture will tell you that it’s, “The best time of your life”, although I’ve already written about how I disagree strongly with that adage. But I will concede that for most people the teens are a time of many firsts and discovering things about yourself. Things like: what kind of person are you, what kind of things and people do you like… most importantly you find out what really turns you on (in a more than sexual way). Tied into these concentrated feelings is the music. Even if you’re one of these, “high school sucked for me” people, it was still a pretty powerful time in your existence. And these songs become engrained into your mind more forcefully than they otherwise would.

"Since when did Guns ‘N Roses become 'The Oldies'?"

-A Friend of mine

NTM that music is a huge social identifier for a lot of people. Were you one of the rebels listening to punk? Were you one of the goth kids smoking in the parking lot? How about one of the preppies? These archetypes do exist outside of John Hughes films, and music has strong ties with each of them.

As a corollary to his reason, for a lot of kids the teens are the first time they have the freedom to go to a store and buy a piece of music they desired with their own money. That is a powerful moment too. It’s the first instance of gaining financial freedom from our parents, which later becomes one of the cornerstones of establishing adulthood in general.

Another reason that also highlights the difference of adult vs. child is that many adults don’t have the time, energy or mental real estate to invest in music that they did in high school. Adults have to work 40+hrs/wk, pay mortgages, soccer practice for Billy, etc. When you were 11y/o, do you think your middle-age parents had time to listen to Journey tapes for 8 hrs a day while discussing the hot chicks in your junior high? That would be gross, come to mention it. Make that Bob Dylan records while discussing the hot chicks in your junior high.