Divergent Theories on Beautiful Women being Attracted to Dickheads

I don’t think that nice guys finish last. And I don’t subscribe to a Revenge of the Nerds-type mentality. Through high school and adulthood I've noticed many attractive women w/ guys who were, by most approximations, complete Dickheads. Here's my best compilation of ideas that may clarify this observation.

1.This Dickhead is beautiful.
If I’m going to be superficial enough to judge a woman on her looks, I certainly can’t blame her for wanting to date a good-looking guy.

2.This Dickhead is rich.
There’s no denying that rich, old, grey-pube surrounded, wrinkled cock gets substantially more play than well-trimmed, brown pubed, poor cock. History is rife w/ examples of geriatric blue veins getting play. Dems da rules.

3.This Dickhead is rich and beautiful.
Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell and most recently Chris Brown have proven to possess both of these qualities, and a few others that I won’t list here, b/c I’m such a nice, poor ugly guy.

4.This Dickhead actually has a massive dick head.
I don’t believe that bigger is necessarily better, but unless you’re sporting Coke-Can thickness it can’t hurt too much to be well endowed, right? Seeing as I'm neither wealthy nor handsome, I feel that I make up substantial ground in this category. Boo-yah!

5.This Dickhead is a genuinely interesting and substantive individual.
This theory contains 2 premises that hold it in suspicion from the start:
1.I have incorrectly judged this Dickhead as being a shallow and stupid asshole.
2.This Dickhead is in fact an intelligent and kind person.
Just for starters, the adjectives “intelligent” and “kind” only belong to like, 4% of the human populace. So I’m way ahead on statistics just there. Next involves the other hypothesis; that this man will likely need to possess preternatural physical attractiveness or wealth… the portion of the population quickly shrinks to unreasonable proportions.

6.This woman does not realize that her “boyfriend” is, in fact, a gigantic Dickhead.
I’ve seen this scenario in action many times and there's no doubt why it's duplicated in film so often (Craig Kilborn in Old School, Anthony Michael Hall in Edward Scissorhands or half the episodes of Sex in the City). Any combination of the above listed traits makes it easy to hide the Dickheadishness of most men.

7.Being Dickhead Supreme is attractive to women.

I don't think that this is true. It's ok to be dangerous or off-kilter w/ mainstream, but if you've gone full blown Dickhead, there's no chance that you should ever be full blown at all. Of course, history proves me wrong on this conclusion time after time.

I could list more, but I defer. If you’re a hot chick and you’re reading this right now, you’re probably thinking, “Oh no, this doesn’t apply to me!” FUCK YOU! You‘re probably married to or are dating a loser, fat pig former HS athlete who repairs refrigerators and has never picked up a periodical w/o the name “Sports” or “ESPN” in the title, let alone realize that the word ‘periodical’ has nothing to do w/ menstruation. “But he’s funny!” No, he’s not funny! Not beyond your sadly-personalized inside jokes and his cute, self-depreciating shtick.

The best, and most generic advice I can give to anyone is to NOT base your attraction to someone on any of these criteria. I know it’s difficult and I’ve been faced w/ the same challenge. At the end of the day, I want to bang the chick on the cover of Maxim, too. But this is all a fabrication. It’s a lie based on a social construct that has me suckered just as much as the next sap. I watch NBC and listen to Kanye. I can’t help it. I want the chick w/ the 36DDs and small waist who is funnier than Tina Fey. But it’s all a joke. It’s all manufactured. And it’s all a lie.

And as soon as you realize this lie, you might actually have a shot at one of these “hot chicks”. But at the same moment you come to this epiphany; you would never want to, anyway.