Hey, Sweet Tits!

It’s always bothered me that a greeting like this can’t be taken seriously. I guarantee than anyone saying that you have “sweet tits” or a “tight ass” is more sincere that your friend who reassures your status as “skinny” or your hair looks “great”. No, dude. You’re 20lb overweight and your haircut is outdated by at least 5 yrs. It’s not the skirt that makes you look fat; it’s the cellulitic thigh dimples and huge ass that does the trick.

But that guy who whistles rudely and swears he’d “hit that” is totally telling the truth. The issue is larger than personal honesty. It’s about sexual clarity and personal relationships. Here is a good guideline for women to follow.

When a man wants to have coffee, he wants
“to plow you”

If he’d like to catch a movie he really means
“I want to rail you"

If he wants to “Talk”, he'd prefer
“Bending you over a chair and fucking the life out of you until you need IV fluids to counter the dehydration.”

Some say that it’s objectifying women to refer to them in these terms. If someone called me “sizzle dick”, “thunder ass” or “Alan Alda” I'd take it as a compliment. Most women don’t get that b/c guys have been trying to bang them (and hence engage in this behavior) since they were about 12y/o.

No one opens doors, buys dinner for or drives us

home. We get that. Hardly any men, other than the extremely rich, will ever appreciate the superb ass kissing that beautiful women receive on a daily basis. Men who are deluded enough to think they have a chance w/ you will do that, but only if they think they have a shot at doing you. Which leaves me at an impasse b/c I’m not rich but I would really like to tell you about your fresh ass and delectable rack. Does that come off as sexist?