Empathy, Gmail and my Small Penis

I get a lot of spam in my gmail account. Google automatically detects this bs and puts it into a pre-labeled “Spam” folder. I checked this folder today and was shocked.

“See the 8th Wonder of the World…In Your Pants!”

And then an ad for penis enlargement pills. This ad itself didn’t offend me, but the fact that I'd received the same “8th Wonder” message like 200 times was disturbing. This was not an isolated event:

“Does your Wife use a Vibrator before bed each night because of YOUR SMALL PENIS?”
Please visualize that the last 3 words are in large, blinking red font. Initially I was pissed b/c I thought that I was being targeted by marketers who could ascertain the size of my cock over the Internet. Some worry about “Big Brother” monitoring their daily activity. They can watch me fart around and play Guitar Hero all they want, but stay the fuck away from my unit regardless of its immensity.

Then I felt an odd emotion that I later identified as regret. I realized that some poor shit somewhere probably got the same email and it must've rung true for him…

Leno’s monologue from Late Night plays on the TV and poor Larry’s wife hurriedly gets up from bed.
Larry:Honey, is something wrong?

Wife:No, sweetie. I just can’t fall asleep without some serious dicking.

Larry:Oh, I see.
Larry realizes the obvious predicament.

Wife:And with your inconsequential penis, I think I’m gonna need some help.

Larry:Have you tried some warm milk? Maybe a benadryl or ambien?

Wife:Let’s just go straight to the root of this problem:My cavernous vagina and your infinitesimal penis. Good thing I have the Rambone, huh?

She would pull a massive, black (b/c I’m racist) vibrator out of a drawer aaaaand I’ll stop here....

Then I got depressed. Then I got more depressed b/c something so stupid as a penis enlargement spam email I’ve been receiving for yrs had the ability to make me this depressed. Damn you, empathy!

It’s a powerful emotion that allows a doctor to connect w/ a patient on a higher level… or it can make you strangely sad for some anonymous, imaginary fuck with an insomniac wife and a small package.